Jane Just Unfriended Someone On Facebook And It Feels So Naughty!

And oh-so-good!

You see, I decided I needed to walk-the-walk if I was going to talk-the-talk.

I’m in my forties. I’m older. Wiser. Life is short and I only make room in my life for the people who matter. You must surround yourself with people who nurture you, who feed your soul.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But Judy (names have been changed to protect the she-devil) was still my “friend” on Facebook. She’s a Queen-Bee-Wanna-Be in our neighborhood. She throws lots of parties. And I’m conveniently left off the guest list every time.

Two years in a row, she called me to apologize for inadvertently leaving me off the invite list, but I was still welcome to come. I came both times. (Pathetic, I know.) Even though I was invited after the fact and just a few days before the event. I wanted to go. She invites just about every woman in our neighborhood and many of my friends were going. Or women I wanted to get to know better. Plus, it’s a party. Who doesn’t like a party?

But then, I did the unthinkable. I dropped out of her book club. Well, not her book club. But she’s a Queen-Bee-Wanna-Be. She thinks of it as hers.

That year I was left off the guest list and that year I never received an after-the-fact-invite.

No biggie. Part of why I dropped the book club was my plate was very, very full already. I was mildly annoyed that I wasn’t invited (yet again) but only mildly annoyed.

I was left off the guest list again this year. No big surprise. But it bothered me more than last year. Why? I’ve been wondering the same thing myself.

Maybe it’s because last January, in our glossy, professionally printed neighborhood newsletter another neighbor gushed a huge thank you on the neighborhood news page to Judy and her husband for opening their gorgeous home not once but twice during the holiday season and they had so much fun and they’re such wonderful hosts and blah, blah, blah.

Wait. So I hadn’t been left off just one guest list but two?

Then, this past October, pictures popped up and gushy thank yous all over Facebook for the amazing time everyone had at her Halloween party.

Nope. Not invited to that one, either.

No one likes to feel left out. Many women that I socialize with attend her parties. She-devil or not, it hurts.

But how to make it hurt less……hmmmmmmmm……

I took her off my Facebook. But not without first scanning all of my other ‘friends’ on Facebook to make sure that I truly only had people who I wanted to stay in touch with. Ok. I admit. There are still about 6 people in my friends list I have no interest in forging deep friendships with but they’re neighbors and they’ve always been kind to me. As far as I know, they’re not throwing huge neighborhood bashes and not inviting me. (Just attending them.)

But She-devil, I mean Judy? She’s phony to me in public. She’s invited every Tina, Deb and Henrietta – new neighbors and old – to her home. And I’m an after-thought, or not even thought of.

Screw her.*

Wait. That sounds bitter. Well, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. I am. But I forgive myself. Because I will get over it. I’ll be over it by the time I press “Publish.”  And quite honestly? She’s not someone I really want to get to know any better. I’ve seen enough. And from what I’ve seen? We don’t share many of the same values.

So, I unfriended her. My friends list is pretty trim. Some family. Lots of friends. Some former students. Some neighbors. But chock full of people who care about me. People I wouldn’t hesitate to call/email/text/write on their wall.

Those are the kinds of friends I want on Facebook.

Those of are types of relationships I want to nurture.

Life is short. Too short.

Time to unfriend the she-devils.

 *I hestitated/used urban dictionary/consulted my daughter about using this phrase. Nothing else would do. But it sounded so mean that I went to erase it and my daughter grabbed my arm and said, “Put on your big girl panties and say what you mean!”  So, it stays.

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37 Comments

Filed under friends, Lessons Learned

37 responses to “Jane Just Unfriended Someone On Facebook And It Feels So Naughty!

  1. Steven Harris

    Well done Jane. Facebook can sometimes become just another source of peer pressure. It’s great for keeping in touch with people but, as you say, they should be people we actually care for, who actually care for us. On a different point, ‘unfriend’ makes sense to me – if you can befriend people there must be an opposite. But there is one word Facebook has brought into the language I loathe – ‘unlike’. Was there really anythging wrong with the word ‘dislike’?

    • Absolutely nothing wrong. I’d like to think it’s the misuse of the word “unlike” as in “unlike any other.” Misused, because the creators are computer techies who thought English class wasn’t important and they’d never use that silly grammar stuff any way. (Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I heard “When are we ever gonna use this?” from one of my students.)

  2. ck

    Can you ask your daughter if 33 is too old to pull off the “Put on your big girl panties” comment? Because I love it!

    And I love that you unfriended Judy. It’s never easy, even as an adult, to stand up for yourself. Good for you.

  3. Janelle

    Good for you Jane! I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t want you on their guest list. I hope that someday I too can not worry so much about what other people think! I find it quite difficult not to take everything personally :}

  4. Good for you, Jane! Two-faced people are the absolute worst! I totally agree with your use of the term “Screw her.” It expresses it perfectly!

    I take everything personally…it’s an unfortunate trait of being born a Cancer! I’ve always been a bit on the edge of our Book Club group…they’ll often get together socially and not invite me (I’m the oldest member of the group). The other night, one of the girls handed out photos of her daughter, to everyone but me…”Sorry, I didn’t have enough for everybody!” I smiled and told her it was fine, but I was lying. It was the whole principal of the thing…

    Wendy

  5. Katybeth

    Those neighbor women are awful!! Really awful!! I’m so glad you un-friended them. Come be my friend on Facebook. We have a lot of fun–for instant on Saturday night we were comparing different pole dancing videos. Everyone is included and loved and tortured equally.
    I can not stand people who exclude other people—even if you don’t like them–in a big group who cares. Especially if they are part of the overall (as in neighborhood group). I would send your kids to tp there homes better yet tp it yourself–their attitude belongs in the toilet.

    Katybeth
    For a good facebook time: http://www.facebook.com/home.php
    FYI–I am open but only friend people I know personally or virtually.

  6. Well done! Cheers! Judy obviously ins’t the type of person who values a real friendship.
    I have a friendship vampire that I’ve been trying to shake. I almost thought I did it until I ran into her at Publix yesterday.

  7. I love the “big girl panties” comment! I tell that to myself all the time. Sometimes it works. ;)

    Facebook is really complicated. I have friends within a plethora of relationships on there. Some are good friends. Some are casual friends. Some are acquaintances. And some are people I barely know but know family/friends/pets and I would feel like a real tool for deleting them “just because” we don’t stay in touch. Some I do delete… but those are usually the ones with whom the annoyance factor is so high it puts my teeth on edge. People who “burn” me on a regular basis are just GONE. That’s all. Like you, I don’t have room in my life or time in my brain for people who in the end, just don’t matter that much to me… or who are dragging me down. So, while I have several people (come to think about it) on facebook who fit into that last category, sadly I, in the end, CANNOT delete them (as much as I want to) because… they’re family. What do you do then?! (Don’t worry: rhetorical question.) :D

    By the way, did the oregano oil work for you?

  8. Judy sounds like she sucks. Good. For. You.

  9. Yeah, I’ve had to do that a few times. Unfriend someone of Facebook. Facebook is so complicated. Having so many people that know various secrets about you all mixed into one big pot is just a recipe for disaster. So, I had to get rid of the blabbermouths that had just a little bit too much information about my semi-sordid past.

  10. SO the right thing to do. I was just on a wonderful girls’ weekend with some high school friend and one friend taught us the quote that resentment is like drinking rat poison and expecting someone else to die. Keeping her on your Facebook account is just exposing yourself to things that will make you feel resentment. And life really is too short.

  11. I unfriended someone once. It was hard, but the right thing to do. There is one person I can’t friend and can’t decline to friend. What to do? Ignore.

  12. charmstep

    *Screw her and the horse she rode in on. You’re wearin’ those BigGirlPanties well, Jane.

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  14. 1. I *heart* your daughter and how she “mothered” you in this case. She is going to go far. I cannot wait to hear about all her accomplishments in the world!

    2. The rational side of me (albeit small) wants to send you this card:

    3. The REAL me wants to send you this card by The Bloggess:

    http://www.zazzle.com/i_like_you_card-137801735588010448

    (Only it will be a gross overkill since she would be the only one on the wrong side of the see-saw. So. It’d just be me and my shank. And TKW is bringing appetizers for the spectators at this B****-Slapping Club which happens to have the same rule as Fight Club…)

  15. I know a few Judys. Ugh. Good for you for cleaning your FB house … and not inviting her in! =>

  16. I heart this post. The same thing happened to me – facebook is the way I found out. Everyone and their kid got invited to the Halloween party, except me and my kid. It stung seeing everyone in group pics on facebook.

    So I am living vicariously through you. Screw her!

  17. Feeling left out feels majorly bad. I’m glad you ditched the bitch. ;)

  18. Wow. I am impressed. Those Queen-Be-Wannabes are getting some karmic retribution! (Excellent.)

  19. Good for you … deleting her may feel a bit naughty, but I bet Santa would congratulate you for taking yourself out of Judy’s reach and keep you on his “nice” list. I love that you say what you mean. It is also uplifting to know that your “friends list” is really a list of people you care about … it is a quality list. So many facebook people are just looking for quantity/popularity (people like probably .. Judy?) .. you took her down a friend … bet it feels great.

  20. Sometimes we just have to pull up our big girl panties and go with our gut! As you said, life is too short and there’s absolutely no reason to expose yourself to someone that causes discomfort. I once blocked someone – didn’t have the nerve to unfriend them, which is stupid because it’s really a friend of a friend and not someone I know at all. But they love the Facebook games and love to send requests and it got to be too much. Maybe someday I’ll actually unfriend them. Wonder if they’d even notice?

  21. I always wondered what Facebook is for. There are people out there I would like to Friend and get to know better, but then I don’t know if you just add them or send a message, and what about the people you didn’t want to Friend but fill obligated because they are family. And should you friend family members of your spouse even if you only met the person one time, maybe twice. Oh, I’m so confused.

  22. Good for you. Stand up for Jane; the rest of us will, too.
    (I love your daughter’s response. She’s a good egg, Jane. You did that. *That’s* the party you want to be enjoying.)

  23. Good for you Jane! She sounds like a witch with a capital “B” and I agree with you and your daughter, “Screw her!” You are an amazing person and you do not deserve to spend an iota of time on someone like that.

  24. Good for you. I’ve been contemplating something along the same lines. There are some people around here that I ‘thought’ were friends. Certainly when their computer became infected with a nasty virus they were happy to call me to fix it.

    I don’t mind that…really. I actually enjoy helping people and really don’t expect any sort of payback for the hours that I spend doing that. But when I found out that they held several subsequent parties and invited lots of friends but not us…I must admit I became a little peeved.

    Like you they are always so friendly to my face – I was at a party on Thursday where the husband was even gushing to other people there how I saved the day for them….

    Hmmm…unfriending….becoming a definite possibility…

  25. Good job. Cleaning up all aspects of your life makes it all more free.

  26. I love all my cheerleaders! You all rock!

  27. Catherine R. Staat

    Good for you! I did that with someone who made it very clear that we were not friends through posts to my blog and 3 rather nasty e-mails – so I took her off my FB. Jane, we don’t know each other but I’m proud of you girl! You did good! ;)
    ♥Cat

  28. Good for you for taking the step.

    But this gives me another reason for keeping as far away from Facebook as I can….so I won’t have to anguish over decisions like this.

  29. I bet you are left off her A-list because you don’t fawn all over her with gushy compliments. You’re right…life is too short…to waste time with superficial people. Let her have her parties. I wonder what all *those* people are saying about her behind her back.

  30. I think this was a very wise choice on your part. Facebook is, after all, a virtual place where good friends and family members come together. Why would you invite someone into your life who is obviously not in that category?

    If it makes you feel better…I unfriend people constantly. I like to keep my friend list trim and free of Judy-like characters.

  31. I completely sympathise and agree with un-friending un-worthy people. I’ve done the same thing to two people (who USE to be friends) just last week – and it felt GREAT! So much so, that I’m going to steal your idea and also blog about it!

    Her loss darling! Merry christmas to you – and yours ;-) x

  32. You-know-who down the street

    Hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!!!! Love it! And boy oh boy she deserves it. Also thanks for the “panties” comment. I’m going to use that one.

  33. Anonymous

    I actually Googled “I was left off an invite list” because the same thing happened to me this year. I was invited to the big neighborhood Christmas party once and not invited back last year or this one. I’ve never done anything to the hostess and we often exchange pleasantries. Literally all of my friends from the neighborhood social group were invited. It definitely hurts. But as you say, screw her. I’m sad now, but life is too short and hopefully I won’t stay this way for long.

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