Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Desperate for blog material, I did what any other self-respecting blogger would do.

I procrastinated.

I flitted about in Yahoo, learning about home invaders busted on Facebook, what Lady Gaga looked like at age 9 (Don’t click. Really. A waste of time.), and a gutsy woman who chases a bear from her home.

I did a little online banking. The good news? Beginning tomorrow another credit card balance will be at zero! The bad news? Bank account balances are fast approaching zero.

I goofed around on my favorite Disney message board site and learned about crowd levels between Christmas and New Years (Horrendous), next must try snack at EPCOT (Norway’s School Bread), and yet another awesome cast member story (Click here for original post.)

And I checked my email.

I found this interesting note in my inbox.

“I work with blahblahblah and we recently published an article you might be interested in.”

The title of said “article” was interesting and feeling a little lazy today, I actually entertained re-posting it.

“After following your blog for awhile now, I felt this article would be something that would interest your readers. Here’s the link…”

Hmmm. Following my blog for awhile? I’m flattered.

“Either way, your blog has been a sincere pleasure to read. Thanks for your time!”

A sincere pleasure to read. Always good to hear.

So, I scan my followers list. Nope. No Miss C. Maybe she has me bookmarked another way.

So, I click the link to the article. Yes. It’s a bona fide  article. And interesting, too.

But it is plastered on a website that is an advertisement for something completely irrelevant to my readers. In fact, every link, sidebar and highlighted clicky thingy is unrelated to the article that drew me there in the first place.

I have half a mind to republish the article, without a link back to their site, and capitalize on the free material.

But that’s against my principles.

And besides.

Look at that.

Without even realizing it, I just got a free post.

Ha!

Monday Blog Haiku

Blogs call narcissists

to write what they know and love

Comments encourage

Who is the blogger?

Writer, lover, comic, cook

All crave to be heard

Comments feed the blog

Readers who comment treasured

Friends not seen but loved

Jane Wants To Know. How Do YOU Filter Your Comments?

Before I explain, if you’re going to give me a free speech lecture or simply say “everyone is entitled to their opinion” I’d like to politely ask you to leave. Just click that little mouse of yours and find some other blogger to badger. I’ve heard all those speeches before. In my own head.

Click. Click. Click.

Is that everyone?

Click. 

Okay. Good.

I shall begin.

I have a comment that has been sitting in my pending folder for over a month now. It’s been sitting there because I have no idea what to do with it.

It isn’t obscene.

It isn’t spam.

It isn’t self-promoting.

It is littered with grammatical and spelling errors.

It is mildly illiterate.

It is about an inflammatory subject that I wrote about a while ago.

And it is mildly controversial and something I might be tempted to waste my breath, I mean fingers, and type a response. To deaf ears (blind eyes?), presumably.

I haven’t “approved” it because I don’t want to invite ridicule. I then pat myself on the back for being so sensitive. But I know it’s really because I disagree with the comment and can’t believe there are such idiotic people out there. (How’s that for sensitivity?)

Which leads me to my question for all my favorite readers/bloggers out there.

How do YOU filter comments on your blog? Do you let any and everything sneak through? Do you only delete profanity/spam/self-promotion? Or do you kill anything that doesn’t agree with your point of view? Do you correct the misspellings and grammatical errors?

Really.

This inquiring mind wants to know.

Jane Tells All. Or How Stealing Ideas From Other Blogs Makes For Excellent Material.

I’m totally stealing a blog post from a friend. It’s okay, since I’m being so upfront about it. Well, that and the fact that he encouraged people to steal it – but admitting this sort of takes all the danger out of it.

Yeah. I’m a bad-ass.

This is actually associated with an award. LLCoolJoe won the award first and passed it along to anyone who wanted it. Yep. He’s all generous like that. I’m sorry. I can’t even remember the name of the award. Mostly, because I’ve become ambivalent to awards that are handed out like gumdrops. I don’t even like gumdrops. And I hate to hurt anyone’s feelings that might not receive the award.

But, I enjoy learning about other bloggers.

So, I hope you enjoy learning a little bit about me.

1. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? 

When you look up “doormat” in the dictionary you will find a picture of moi. Seriously. Go ahead. Look it up. We’ll wait. No? Well, okay. I exaggerate. But, I do have a condition called Argument Amnesia. My husband and I will argue about something and an hour later I’m all hugs and kisses and completely forgotten why he’s being so cool towards me. It drives him crazy. It’s my coping mechanism. It’s not always healthy but it keeps me in my glass-half-full state of mind and I like it that way.

 

2. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?

This question was so tough for me I actually answered it last after much contemplation. I can’t think of just one.  So, I’ll just share with you the top three played songs on my ipod.

1. Say Hey (I Love You) by Michael Franti & Spearhead

2. Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson

3. Psycho by Puddle of Mudd

Yep. That about sums it up.

 

3. What is the most daring thing you’ve done recently?

Eat a Dorito that fell on the floor after the 3 second rule. Don’t worry. I blew off all the germs.

 

4. Do you like your life right now?

Yes. I do. I’m finding the older I get the more content I become. I still have regret. I still want to accomplish more than is humanly possible. But I am very content with my life. Right. Now. Because now is all that matters.

 

5. What was the last lie you told?

I acted as if I was already in the parking lot of my destination even though I was still a few blocks away. Why I did this? I have no idea. I was speaking to my husband on the phone and I wasn’t even meeting him. I was meeting a friend. I just didn’t want him to know I was running late. (He has this hang-up about punctuality. Geez.) And, by the way. My friend was running a couple minutes late, too. God, I love her!

 

6. Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?

Yes. My adorable daughter made me a necklace of a single crystal. I loved it and put it on the rear view  mirror with the intent of slipping it on the next day on our way to school. But it got twisted and stuck. And I didn’t want to cut the string so it is still there, to this day. Twelve years later. (Yes. I’m still driving my Volvo station wagon. Best. Car. Ever.) My mother-in-law asks me if it’s “Wiccan.” (She doesn’t approve of the fact that we’re not twice a week church goers.) And I tell her, no. But she’s asked so many times, I now say yes and offer to teach her a few spells when we get home. That usually shuts her up.

 

7. Do you consider yourself successful?

Yes. Very. But not in the things most people do. I gave up my singing and acting aspirations. I still haven’t written the great American novel. My high school class is chock full of over-achievers. 90% of us have graduated from college and over 50% have advanced degrees. I “only” have some post-graduate work. But that’s okay. Because I am an awesome mom. I made a conscious decision to be the best mom I could be, thus joining the ranks of the “Best Moms Ever.”And I am. Just ask my kids.

 

8. What was the first music album that you bought?

Deep Purple – Machine Head. Yep. I’m a head-banger.

 

9. Do you feel you express your “true self” on your blog?

I try. I try with every word. That is always my intent. It’s why I’ve gained a steady readership. It’s also why I’ve lost so many readers.

 

10. Would you ever give a hitch-hiker a ride somewhere? 

I want to. I do. But I watch way too much crime TV.

 

11. Have you ever acted like you understood something when you didn’t have a clue?

Every. Single. Day.

…………….

And now, it’s your turn. There are 11 questions posted below for you to answer on your blog. Trust me. If you’re experiencing writer’s block or you just you to keep the publish button warm this is an easy-peasy blog post.

Come on.

I know you want to.

1. What do you do when you cannot fall asleep?
2. Have you ever hidden a purchase for yourself from your partner? If so, what was it?
3. What was the last thing you ate?
4. Who has been the kindest to you in your life?
5. If you didn’t need the money, what would you do for work?
6. If your life had a motto, what would it be?
7. Would you sulk or would you confront?
8. If you could have any super power, what would it be?
9. What movie or television show have you seen so many times you can quote scenes line by line?
10. Who is someone from your past that you are sorry you lost track of?
11. If you had a million dollars to give away, how would you do it?

If you choose to take on the 11 Question Challenge, please link up in the comment section so we can visit your blog and learn more about you!

There Are Times When You Need To Keep The Snark To Yourself

“Well, you know what they say: if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies. And it’s my favorite for a reason.

Because it’s true for most of us, although, we’d never admit it.

I enjoy a good tidbit of gossip. I try not to spread any but I admit, my ears perk up when it’s being shared. Some people have a higher tolerance for it than others. I’d like to think that I know when to stop, know when to keep my thoughts to myself.

But I’m no saint. And there are not many on this Earth that can prove that they are. Saints, that is.

When friends, family or acquaintances are going through especially tough times, I zip it. Major and embarrassing faux pas? Ignored. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I wouldn’t want my financial or relationship woes savored for entertainment.

But the “What? Not again?” annoyances that pop up? I’ve been known to share with my closest and dearest friends. I’m not proud of it. But apparently, I’m not too ashamed to stop. I call it “unloading” in order to assuage my guilt.

I reign it in when things get ugly or mean.

“There’s never an excuse to be mean” – wise words from my brother-in-law.

Words I try to live by.

Especially in the comment section of a blog post.

A mildly controversial topic that I blogged about months ago, suddenly became popular in the blogosphere. And one individual, who shall remain nameless, had much to say about my take and those of my readers. The comments to my other commenters were just plain mean. Not worth repeating. Not constructive. And frankly, not even argumentative. (Which I may have allowed, if only to encourage discussion.)

And then, after copying and pasting an admittedly, ill-constructed paragraph of mine, little Ms. Snark said:

“Oooooo. Well said. Kudos to you, Oh Great Writer.”

I enjoy a lively discussion. I am not of the ilk who feels if I don’t agree with you, I shouldn’t comment. I like differing opinions. Sharing a point of view that is different from my own is welcomed here. It’s one of the many ways that I grow as a human being.

But gratuitous snark and sarcasm?

That is not welcome here.

Or, anywhere for that matter.

(Yes. The Blogosphere police chief has spoken. Now, run along and comment somewhere else. Constructively. Kindly. And with no malice. You’ll feel much better about yourself afterwards. Trust me.)

School’s Out For Summer, Alice, And I’ve Done Nothing But Blog

This is how I want to feel……

But this is how I really feel…..

Today is my last day of freedom. My last day that I have complete and total control over what I do. And then? Let the summer games begin. School is out in a mere 6 days. Six.

Count ‘em.

One – Have to work at my  husband’s office.

Two and Three – Long weekend out of town so the boys can sleep on an aircraft carrier for Cub Scouts.

Four – Daughter home from college (yay!) filled with errands and appointments for her.

Five - Chaperone end-of-year activity for #2son’s class.

Six – School play and party for #1son’s class. And the last day of school.

Where did the time go?

I feel like such a failure.

Closets cleaned out? Zero.

Pictures put in chronological order in fancy scrapbooks? Still sitting in a herd of shoe boxes.

Recipe cards organized and alphabetized and sorted? The same jumbled mess that jumps out and bites me every time I open the cabinet door.

Boxes cleared out that have been sitting in the basement since we moved here 5 years ago? Eight. (Thank God, I’ve stumbled onto some progress. I just won’t tell you how many more I have to go through. Thirty-two. Hey! Who said that?)

Lunches with friends while the kids are in school? Two. Two in ten months. Really people. We need to adjust our priorities!

Garages cleaned out? Zero.

Drawers lined with pretty scented paper? Zero.

Books read? Eight. (My goal was 20.)

Blog posts posted? 131.

Oops.

Looks like I just figured out where I’ve been spending all my time.

Eh. That’s OK.

You people are more fun than clean closets and tidy garages.

Way more fun!

Theycallmejane. It’s Mine. Now Back Off!

OK. So I’m too cheap (and lazy) to purchase my domain name. Go ahead. Start rattling off the comments telling me how wrong I am. I’m listening. Sort of.  (Because remember, I’m cheap and lazy.)

But while researching another post idea (Yes, I research. Don’t act all surprised.) I stumbled across something weird in my stats. Upon further investigation, I discovered that someone else (whose name is also NOT Jane) is calling her blog…..

…wait for it…..

…wait for it…..

Theycallmejane.

Yep.

Written just like that. All one word.

On another free blog site. But still.

I’m trying to remind myself that imitation is a form of flattery. Or trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she’s never been here.

But when you started your blog, didn’t you Google the name you wanted, just to make sure no one else had it? I know I did. And just to make sure I’m not buried 17 pages deep when you Google me, I Googled me. There I am. Front and center. Very first thing that pops up.

Is she that lazy?

Now, I know the name of my blog isn’t all that creative. And, in a way, I stole it, too. From the lyrics of a Ting-Tings song.

“They call me Stacy. They call me Jane. That’s not my name. That’s not my name.”

I thought it was funny. You know. Because Jane isn’t my name.

But I like Jane. Jane represents a common voice. A connection to all the other women I was hoping to meet. Jane could be anyone’s thoughts, opinions, feelings. I was just the one who said them. For all of us Janes out there.

I still like Jane. Make that, I love Jane. And I love what she has evolved into. A blog about nothing and everything. And I don’t want to give her up or change her in any way.

And besides. I was here first. Back in August of 2009. Closing in on my third year in Blog World. And this impostor has had her blog, what? All of two months?

Crap.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and purchase the domain name, aren’t I?

If it isn’t too late.

I Need A Pinterest Intervention. STAT.

Hi.

I’m Jane.

And I’m a Pinterest addict.

They say, recognizing your addiction is the first step. So, I suppose I’m on my way to recovering. But what if I don’t want to recover? What if I like this Pinterest mania that I’m drowning in?

Pinterest is my latest obsession. Kind of like the way blogging was in the beginning. My daughter tried to get me interested in Pinterest about 8 months ago. But I was like, what’s the big deal? Ooooo. Pretty pictures. I don’t need pictures of things I like or things I want to remember. Bookmarking pages is fine for me. And I have a full and active imagination. The pictures I need are stored in my head.

But one lazy afternoon I was bored. And had a bit of writer’s block. I decided to check Pinterest out, hoping for a little inspiration.

A new obsession was born. I was hit, square between the eyes, with a full-blown Pinterest addiction.

Pretty pictures? It’s more than just pretty pictures. There are links to the pretty pictures. To other pretty blogs. To items I must have in my home or closet. Recipes. Yummy, mouthwatering, drool-worthy recipes. Cute hair styles. DIY crafts and projects that I’m all thumbs to be able to do but I pin them anyway, hoping I will one day confront my crafty fears. There are pithy quotes. Dreamy photos of exotic, far-away places. Clothes that beg to jump into my closet. Images of adorable puppies, kittens and kissable babies.

Funny pics. Silly pics. Pics that bring a tear.

Pretty pics. Goofy pics. Pics I think are weird.

But I pin them. All of them. In my cleverly titled categories. And I search for more and more and more. Filling my boards with projects and recipes and shopping vows that no one in their right mind would have enough time or money to fulfill.

“This Pinterest is a major time suck,” I lament to my daughter.

She just smiles.

And as if I already don’t have enough time to read all of your wonderful blogs and the blogs you recommend, I’m finding more and more and (oh-my-God!) more blogs to follow. It’s like I’m Dorothy and I’m not in Kansas (my little Blogland) anymore. There’s a huge, massive, enormous Blog World out there that I didn’t even know existed. My Blogland is a mere tiny little unincorporated village compared to what is really out there.

Yes.

I am a Pinterest addict.

I need help.

I need an intervention.

STAT.

 

Jane Cures Head Lice And Other Blogging Mysteries Solved

Apparently, I’ve cured head lice.

Single handedly.

On November 2nd I wrote about head lice here. And then, mysteriously, on November 19th, 17 days later, my blog stats took a gigantic leap and readership soared. Through the roof. So, I wrote about it here.

I’ve been riding that gravy train of popularity ever since. That is, until today. As suddenly as my readership soared, it plummeted.

Crashed.

Deep nose dive.

Everyone must have taken my advice, cured their head lice problem with simple tea tree oil solutions, thus wiping out head lice across the globe.

And I’m lonely.

Don’t get me wrong. I knew my popularity was fake. But that doesn’t stop a girl from pretending there are lots and lots of people out there reading her stuff, educating themselves and coming back for more.

But now, my stats are back where they used to be. And I want to know.

Was it something I said?

WordPress has this handy little year end feature where they put together stats on your blog. There was a little button so that I could share it with all of you but I chose not to. Then you’d all see how few truly read me and I didn’t want you few who do to feel like total losers. Just trying to save your tender hearts, that’s all.

WordPress told me that I should write more about head lice, burkas and Toddler’s & Tiaras. That’s what my readers want, apparently. But I can’t. Head lice makes me squeamish. Burkas make me lose readers because they think I’m a racist. And Toddler’s & Tiaras doesn’t deserve any more publicity. (So erase those last few sentences from your memory banks. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.)

I have readers (all 44 of you) from six of the seven continents. Most from the US and Canada. That means that 21 of you are from North America. Nine of you are from Europe. Six from Australia. Five from South America. Two from Asia and one from Africa. (This is just a guess. An uneducated one. And 44? Just the number of hits I had at the moment I began writing this post. But I like playing with numbers. And pretending, apparently.) 

Here’s where it really gets interesting….

One of my greatest referral sites, besides Google and WordPress, is the sweet Bibliomama from up yonder. (That means Canada.) So, thank you, Bibliomama. I have a feeling it’s because Blogspot has that handy dandy feature that you employ on your sidebar. You know, the one that advertises the latests blog post titles of the writers in your Blogroll. Thank you for using this feature. I love it, myself. And I’m grateful that I have an honored spot in your Blogroll.

I, like any other blogger, like comments. Here on my blog, that is. Finding the time to read everyone out there that I want to read and then comment – that’s another story. But comments here? Welcomed and encouraged.

My top 5 commenters are:

1. Big Little Wolf at Daily Plate of Crazy

2. Dawn King from Dawn King

3. Faemom from Faemom

4. Katy Beth from My Odd Family

and last, but certainly not least….

5. TKW from The Kitchen Witch

You ladies are the bomb! Thank you, a million thank yous, for popping in here to see what I’ve written and then commenting even though I seem to have a hard time getting around to that myself. It’s nice to know I’m not writing to wind. I promise to make the effort to do a better job of commenting. I promise.

My little WordPress annual report was entertaining. And it reminded me to thank the readers who read me, which I should do more often.

Thank you! All of you!

And to the readers who are no longer coming here because, through my humble blog, I’ve cured your head lice situation?

You’re welcome.

Where In The World DO They Find These Spam Writers? I Mean It. I Want To Know WHERE.

My spam cracks me up. It can even turn into a pretty entertaining blog post. I’ve written about spam so many times, I figured you were all bored with the topic by now.

But I recently received this:

“I’m a recurrent audience of one’s blogs. My partner and i liked the recent one and other content on your weblog a lot that I have subscribed to the blog’s Feed throughout Thunderbird. Even considering thieving some thoughts and place results. Retain every one of the great going by posting far more helpful content. Time well spent about this submit. Thank you.”

Nothing out of the ordinary. But it made me giggle all the same.

“Recurrent audience of one’s blogs” – Recurrent and one’s? Love it!

“Even considering thieving some thoughts and place results” – Thieving. Cool usage. And they spelled it right. (I didn’t when I first typed it here.) And what the heck is a place result?

“Retain every one of the great going” – Huh?

“By posting far more helpful content” – Hey! I thought you said you liked my blog. Now you’re criticizing the helpfulness of my content?

“Time well spent about this submit” – What’s a submit?

The sometimes firm and not so firm grasp of the English language has me stymied. Obviously, English is NOT their primary language. So, which is it? Mandarin? Portuguese? Punjabi? (Yes. This is a language. Native to about 109 million people.)

So, I lay awake at night wondering about the grammatical errors and misuse of words, trying to figure out which language in the world would have the most trouble with these English idiosyncrasies. And because I’m not a linguist, I never come to any kind of conclusion.

But that’s OK.

I was sufficiently entertained. And pondering the origin of the material was akin to counting sheep.

So, no worries.

I’m just glad I could be of some help to a far-away spammer.

“Thank you.”

You’re welcome.