I Thought I Knew

I taught a high school composition course and one semester, the way the schedule fell, there were only females in the class. Can you imagine? Well, I suppose you can if you teach in an all-girls school but this was a dream class for me. And since it was a private school I had a bit of leeway with the curriculum. So with a snip here and a stitch there I tailored the class for young women. It was an amazing semester. Full of women’s literature, women’s essays and short stories. They wrote and wrote and wrote and it was great fun. And true to my collaborative style THEY came up with an assignment: Interview our mothers and then write about the responses, how we felt about their responses, what we expected and how we were surprised. And then they added one more requirement. I had to participate, as well.

I was in my mid 20’s and had a co-dependant, close relationship with my mother. Secretly, I knew I was the favorite of her 4 daughters. I thought I knew her inside and out. I wouldn’t even have to call her. I knew how she would respond.

The questions all revolved around how our mothers approached relationships with boyfriends, parents, husbands and children. We would interview our mothers and then report as a group some of our findings before we sat down to write.

I called my mother, told her about the assignment and began asking questions.

Q. So, Mom. Why did you marry Dad?    A. Because I knew he’d be a good provider.

What?!? Didn’t you love him? Didn’t you love how funny he was , cute, endearing, fun to be around? I was stunned. She was very matter of fact. She said she grew to love him but no, she wasn’t really in love at first. She just wanted to get out of the house and go to college – which her parents didn’t want her to do. They felt college for a woman was a waste of time. She knew he loved her and he was college educated. That was enough for her.

Q. How did you and Dad decide to have me?    A. Your Dad wanted kids and I didn’t. I wanted to go to school. So I gave him one night during my fertile time and if I got pregnant I’d be a mom. If I didn’t, I’d go to nursing school.

Guess what? She got pregnant. With me. And then 3 others in the span of 3 years. At one point she had 4 children age 3 and under (the two youngest were twins.) How’s that for karma?

Looking back, after years of getting over my stunned reaction, it makes so much sense now. She resented all of us. She resented how we kept her from getting the career she wanted, when she wanted it. She did, eventually, go to school and become a very fine intensive care nurse. Once we were all in school, when society deemed it acceptable for her to have something of her own, she went to school. And worked nights. And left us to take care of each other. In elementary school, I made all of our lunches and would envy the kids who went home after school to a mom complete with milk and cookies. By the 6th grade I was making dinners for the family. I taught 6th grade one time (never again!) and do you know how tiny they are? Granted, we ate a lot of spaghetti, french toast and scrambled eggs, “Madhatter Meatballs” from the kid’s Betty Crocker cookbook – the few things I could make. But still.

I used to say I wouldn’t be the woman I am now if it weren’t for my mother. Back then I was talking about the person that made school a priority, lived an independent life. But now I see that my crusade to make sure EVERY child is wanted stems more from her example than anything else. I made a conscious decision to adopt. I made a conscious decision to have a biological child. I’ve welcomed foster children into my home. I preach birth control because no innocent child should have to be a “consequence” of your actions. I pray for a world where abortion is unnecessary.

I had no idea where that conviction to “save the children” came from. Until now.

11 Comments

Filed under Moms, Motherhood

11 responses to “I Thought I Knew

  1. Gee you posted this while I was commenting on the other one. I use to think I knew my Mom too but as I have gotten older I really have started to understand her better and it is not at all what I thought it would be. As I look back at my life I am also looking back at hers and I get it now.

  2. ck

    I really admire how you made something beautiful out of a situation that could have caused your life go in a completely different direction.

  3. That was a wonderful post. It’s amazing how much our mothers affect us and in what ways. That must have been an amazing class and assignment though.

  4. Wow, I can imagine how crazy it must have been to understand all that. It’s funny how our relationships with our parents change as we get older, especially when we have kids of our own. I’d love to ask my mom some questions like this, but I doubt she’d be as open. It’s great your mom felt comfortable enough to be honest with you.

  5. eastkentuckygal

    Wow, the mother/daughter relationship is such a tricky one. I was a daddy’s girl. I am only recently learning to understand my mother. Those of us who had stifled relationships with our mothers long to make it different when we have girls. I used to envy the relationship my step-sister had with her mother. But, now it’s okay. It’s good. I learned from it and that’s what life is – learning. Thank you for posting this.

    Oh, and all girl classes are great fun. I’ve taught both all girls and all boys. 7th and 8th graders. Also, language arts. Lovely stuff there. hehe

  6. evilme

    Hi,
    Now I understand a bit more what you said on my blog. I also had to cook and care for my younger siblings from a young age (about 12 years on). I used to pick up my brother from school on the bus, keep the house clean and cook dinner. I had to do this because she had to work for financial reasons and I am so glad I don’t have to. I look at my daughter who isn’t much younger than that and I can’t even bring myself to let her make me coffee, let alone dinner!

    I think it made me a more independent person though and appreciative that I have more options than she did. Sometimes I don’t think you can understand your mother until you have been a mother for at least 5 years!

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