(Sad alert – do not read if your Christmas spirit will be in jeopardy – you have been warned!)
I spent so much time and energy wrapping myself up in the Christmas spirit and trying to be upbeat and positive about the upcoming season. But frankly, something was weighing heavy on my mind. And since Christmas is behind us I’m allowing myself to let the sadness in.
Allowing myself. Because I honestly would stop the thoughts from entering my pretty little head as soon as they would surface. I know, for many of you out there, the holiday season is NOT a joyful time. Sometimes this holiday brings bad memories out from hiding. Or you’ve lost loved ones at this time. Or it’s your first, second, tenth – whatever- year without a loved one.
Our family suffered two loses this year. One sudden. One expected. I ache for my side of the family that lost our dear aunt/mother/grandmother. She was ill for a long time. We knew the end was near. But it doesn’t make the loss any easier. And her family. This first Christmas without her. Her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren miss her so much. She was my great-aunt and I didn’t see her as often as I would have liked. But she was a beautiful role model to me about what a mom should be, how to live life with humor, giggles and joy. She taught me amazing life lessons and I hate it that she’s gone.
The other loss I still struggle with. And he wasn’t even my boyfriend or my child. As some of you may remember, my daughter lost her boyfriend at the start of the school year. Senseless. Sudden. Tragic. Only 17 years old. The funeral was so difficult. Giving my condolences to the parents? Heart wrenching. They were being forced to do what every parent dreads. The unimaginable. Having to bury your own child. Throughout this Christmas season, as I’d shop for my daughter, something would remind me of her loss. Then I’d think of his parent’s loss. I’d start to ache for them, beginning to imagine what it must be like to have to shop for one child when your other child is gone. And I’d stop. Suddenly. And chase those thoughts right out of my head. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go there. And I haven’t. Until now.
I’m aching right now. For the loss that was easier to handle. For my daughter’s tragic loss of her first love. For those poor parents trying to weather through their first Christmas without their son while putting on a happy face for the son still here. And for all of you who struggle through this time of year without those you love.
Death is difficult for me. Loss of any kind is difficult for me. Loss sucks. And I suppose I could say, “Oh, but if we didn’t experience loss then we wouldn’t know the value of what we have.” Or maybe, “It’s all God’s plan.” But I don’t want to hear that right now. I might someday. But not now. Now I’m just going to be sad.
I candy coated my 2009 holiday season and made it to today. But today, in the afterglow (or is it aftermath?), I’m feeling a little empty. And I don’t have any words of wisdom or upbeat outlooks. I’m all out of them. I used them up in the weeks leading up until now. I’m just sad. Sad for me. Sad for my daughter. Sad for my family. Sad for dear boyfriend’s family. Sad for all of you who are hurting.
I’m so, so sorry for any of you hurting out there. I’m reaching out my arms right now, through the bloggysphere, so we can have a group hug.
Sigh.
That’s a little better.
Theycallmejane's Blog 
Very heartfelt. (((hugs)))
Christmas is indeed a very sad time for many. I’ve only recently found your blog, so I didn’t know about this loss. I am so sorry. A big cyber hug to you.
(((((((Jane)))))))))
We just lost someone, and it makes the holiday’s a bit less shiny than usual. How heartbreaking for your daughter and for those poor parents. I can’t even imagine….
Hugs.
It sounds like a platitude, but I had a book of meditations once and opened it to one page so many times the spine finally broke. I can’t quote it exactly but the lines that stuck with me were these:
Dawn does follow night. Always.
I can get through anything one hour…or one minute…or one second at a time.
Nobody can fix it–just keep moving through it one second at a time. Breathe in, breathe out.
I join the group hug!
Oh honey! *hugs*
Loss, of any kind, can be so hard. I know the loss of love has been so hard for me this year. This is my first Christmas in years without a significant other and the loss feels terrible, I can’t even imagine what you are feeling.
My prayers and love go out to you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.
Christmas is definitely a time of heightened emotions for everyone.
Sending you a great big hug… x
I bumped into a woman and her daughter a few weeks before Christmas. After the hellos were said came the silence. Her teenage son had been killed the following year in a car accident along with his girlfriend and 2 of his mates…. he was driving. The pain was so evident in their eyes and you could virtually hear them shouting silently in their heads “please don’t say merry Christmas”. That family was so broken, no words could heal the hurt. They knew I had seen it in their eyes and were relieved when I said “I hope to see you soon”.
We felt death’s sting as well this year. A good friend lost her father to an accident. A neighbor’s father succumbed to cancer. On this side of heaven, life is not without its sadness and brokenness. For me, the real meaning of Christmas is a reminder that better times are coming. Hugs to you and yours.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, for the old order has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’ Then he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'” Revelation 21:4-5
loss sucks. There are often no words to describe the feeling of loss or to share condolences with another person about their loss. It is such unfortunate part of life for many of us- I am always reminded to hold my family closer and to be kinder to myself. A heart felt hug to you and your family.
Oh Jane…I’m so sorry. I understand the loss of joy in this season, because there’s that painful ache of missing that person’s presence. Sometimes, holidays is just an unpleasant reminder of the losses we’ve suffered. But in a way, it’s a circle of life, because most of the time, there is also an addition of a person: perhaps a newborn, or a new friend, etc.
I hope despite the pain, you find peace within your heart, and come to enjoy what you do have around you right now.
Well, that sucks. And it’s so hard to put feelings like that aside to get through the obligatory happy. Sadness makes people around us uncomfortable, so we hide it and then feel worse. I hope you have many shoulders to cry on because it’s so human to feel these losses acutely and so awful to have to bear that alone.
Condolences to all the families who have lost someone and feel it keenly at the holidays.
Oh Jane
*Lump in throat moment*
Christmas is definately a happy and a sad time of the year for alot of people. I often think of all those family members that are not around to celebrate at this time of the year, our once very large christmas celebrations now consist of only 4 of us. There is nothing to make these sad thoughts any easier.
I hope you find some comfort and happiness in 2010 and continue your excellent blog.
Ceri xxx
That was so beautiful. Thank you for that. We lost my grandpa over a year ago, and I still expect to see him at my grandma’s house. I still have to take a deep breath before I leave a message on their machine, so I don’t start to cry after hearing his voice. And then I think God, how does my grandma do it; they were married almost 54 years. It would have been 55 years a week before this Christmas. You’re right. The holidays have a lot of sadness to them.
*hugs*
It’s okay to be sad. {{HUGS}}
I lost my grandfather on Christmas day last year. I still miss him very much, and I am still sad. Thank you for such a heartfelt post.
-Jen