My Neighbors Could Be Aliens. Or In Witness Protection. Either Way They’re Not From MY World.

“I think my neighbors might be aliens”

That was an honest-to-God search term that found my blog. And I could have honestly entered that search term into Google. Except the more probable search would be: “I think my neighbors might be in witness protection.”

We all seek like-minded people. I love differences. It’s what makes the world go ’round. But I prefer to be surrounded by people with similar values. I have pretty high standards, so in our neighbor’s defense, I’ve set the bar high.

They haven’t met it. Not even close.

We moved in first. A new subdivision, we were alone on our little hill for a while. Then new neighbors moved in. Please let them be nice, we prayed.

And they were. Nice. Or so it seemed. Chatty. Friendly. She asked where the bus stop was. Right in front of our house, I told her. And when school started a few weeks later, the bus stopped in front of her house. The bus driver told our daughter that was the new stop. Later, I found out she had complained that her 14 yr. old son had allergies and a torn meniscus. He couldn’t walk “all the way” over to our house.

The dad works from home. When my husband asked what he did, he was very vague. “A computer based business,” was all he said. We waited for clarification and he just stood there and smiled. She’s a stay at home mom. He works from home but he’s often outside working in the yard, running or playing basketball with his sons when they get home from school. His work days appear very short.

Just before dusk, we often see them walking down the street with a few golf clubs in hand. Sneaking onto the course at the 5th hole. Stealing course time.

And then, there was the fence. We got a puppy. We decided to fence the yard. In our neighborhood, there are designs to choose from and you have to get your neighbor to sign off  that they have no issues with your choice. Of course, our neighbors had issues. They wouldn’t sign. They showed us what they liked, because they were considering a fence, as well. At first I was annoyed. But as luck would have it, I liked their choice better. It was a little more expensive but it looked a lot nicer. We agreed. We also agreed to share the side that cut down our two properties and share the cost. We shook hands.

The company wouldn’t lay the fence until both parties signed a contract. Our neighbors stalled. We prodded. They stalled some more. Our puppy was growing. We put up with their indecision for 3 months. Finally, we had to go on without them. 

If you don’t share a side of the fence, the fence has to be laid 6 inches inside your property line.  A week after our fence was installed, they asked to hook up to ours. We said, “Sure. Sharing the cost would be xxx amount of dollars.” They said, “We’re not paying for half of that fence! It’s on YOUR property.”

We said, “Ahhhh….No.”

And then, of course, there is the dad – who has more than a healthy interest in our teenage daughter. She has always said, “He gives me the creeps.” And we’ve always pooh-poohed her perception. She is our “Little Victorian,” after all. But one day, while sitting on our back porch flipping through a magazine while the boys played in the sprinkler, he leaned over the fence. “Having fun boys?” My ears perked up. They told him, yes and he said, “Where is your sister? Doesn’t she want to get in her bathing suit and play too? Or is she too shy?” I stood up and said, “She’s not here. Can I help you?” Evidently, he couldn’t see me through the screen. He turned a few shades of red, stumbled with his words and then commented on the weather and made a hasty retreat.

They never have family visit from out-of-town. They’re vague about where they’re from and what brought them to our area.

Sneaky. Weird. Vague. Strange. Creepy.

Aliens learning a new culture, trying to assimilate and learn our values and norms? A mob snitch forced into witness protection? I have no idea.

I DO know this. They’re not from MY world.

34 Comments

Filed under Observations

34 responses to “My Neighbors Could Be Aliens. Or In Witness Protection. Either Way They’re Not From MY World.

  1. This is fantastic, Jane. When I first started reading I thought I’d leave a comment that said something like, “Yeah, we have crappy neighbors, too.” But OMG does this go beyond crappy into just creepy. Really creepy. And, because you live RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THESE CREEPOS, I’m sure you are forced to notice it and talk about it all the time. I mean, it’s got to be hard NOT to talk about it. What a pain.

    When we moved two years ago to a bigger house with a bigger yard I didn’t realize I would miss the friendly neighbors as much as I do. I now know that it’s hard to put a price on a good neighborhood (well, the real estate agents surely can!) and that we won’t be in this house forever. That I will try my hardest to find a new house (big enough) on a good street with decent neighbors. I miss it SO much!

    • ck

      Oh man, this gave me the chills. Well, first it made me laugh, and then I felt indignant on your behalf. And now I want to hire a moving van and hurry you and your children out of your neighborhood. So glad you heard his comments first-hand, and not from your daughter.

  2. Oh my gosh. They DO sounds rather creepy. Plus not the most neighborly of sorts. Must be quite a pain putting up with them.
    Hmm. Maybe you should start talking about flying saucers and see if they twitch at all! 😛

  3. Those are a few really bizarre things that would have me adding an extra deadbolt and would end up doing a lot of peering through the shades! Sorry you have to deal with your crazy alien’ish neighbors… I’m creeped out for you.

  4. suzicate

    That’s a really weird thing for a grown man (father to boot!) to say about a neighbors teenage daughter…RED FLAG! Stay as far away as you can living next door. Glad you have a fence in between you. They do not sound like people/aliens you want to know.

  5. Wow. Unbelievable. Be careful, Jane.

  6. angelcel

    We’ve had our fair share of run-ins with weird and nasty neighbours at our old house which is why, we’ve appreciated the happy go lucky crowd that have surrounded us up here in our current house. Neighbours really can make or break your enjoyment of your own home. It sounds as though there is sufficient space between your two houses (the bus issue) that you can successfully ignore these people. It’s just as well however that you heard Mr Weirdo’s comment – fore-warned is fore-armed.

    • Actually, we’re a pretty “close knit” neighborhood – maybe about 40 ft. between houses. (Which is why I felt the bus stop issue was ridiculous). But now? It isn’t sufficient enough space for me. I’m hoping they move.

  7. OMGoodness! That is creepy! In your case, fences definitely make good neighbors.

    • Make that TWO fences. Because we wouldn’t let them hook up to ours they put up their own (6 inches inside their own property line). So now we have this weird 1 foot space between our fences that my husband keeps replenishing with pine straw so we don’t have to deal with weeds.

  8. You have my complete sympathy! A bad neighbor can make you feel bad about your entire neighborhood. These creeps are devious, mean-spirited, and way too creepy to have a relationship with! This post gave me the shivers.

  9. OMG. That is so creepy. It boggles the mind. How do people turn out like that?

  10. Creepy may not even begin to describe these people. I know you’ll keep a close eye on them from now on. I’ve not had neighbors like this…yet. Hope you can put a plan in place to protect your most precious possessions (kids). Dropping a few references to being a member of the NRA may help too! Good thing your bloggy neighborhood is full of fun, safe friends.

  11. Eww! Just Eww! Those are neighbors from Hades!

    We have some doozers, but at least they aren’t pervs!

  12. Hmmm, this is disoncerting. On my quest to find a BFF, I’ve been seriously considering how I need a neighbor friend. Someone right upstairs (I live in an apartment) to invite over for a drink after work or to watch Modern Family. Now, I’m having second thoughts. If one of my neighbors turns out to be as creepy as yours, I’ll be stuck… in the same building no less. I wonder I should instead vow to keep my neighbors at arm’s length. Dilemmas…

  13. This gave me the heeby-jeebies. Especially the creepy bathing-suit part.

    I take it they’re not blog readers? 🙂

  14. We’ve had our fair share of bad neighbours and it’s no fun at all. In fact we’ve moved house because of them. You can have the perfect home but if the neighbours are difficult it can be completely ruined. Hope this doesn’t happen to you.

  15. I’m so sorry for you. Good thing you know to watch the next door creepo!!!

  16. unabridgedgirl

    First, ew. The fact that he asked your boys about your daughter is just creepy. Ick.

    And the fence thing would irritate me to no end.

    Neighbors can be so interesting.

  17. EW! EW! EW!

    * Shudders and looks around desperately for something that will erase the image from her head of skeezy neighbor dad looking for your daughter *

    My goodness do they sound despicable. I mean, I hate to judge when I’ve clearly never met these people, but once someone says something like that about one’s own children — !

  18. That is horrid! And what can you do (short of moving)? The comment by the father- makes me want to throw up. So, for your sake, I hope the witness protection people read this and realize creepy neighbors cover is blown and they move away. Or the alien ship recalls them. Either one.

  19. Wow. It’s really unfortunate that you can’t inspect the neighbours the way you inspect a house before you buy it. They make such a difference to your quality of life. I hope they move too.

  20. Neighbors. That’s always a rough one. Unless you are super-rich you can’t control who your neighbors are. Mine happen to be about 10 feet away. Argh!

    One of my laws is that there is always one bad apple in every neighborhood. It goes without saying they are in the house next to mine.

    They park on the side walk. They leave their overflowing garbage cans in front of my house. Their kids pick our flowers. (I let that one slide.) They have parties every single week. They always have five or more cars parked in front of their house. They pull out the motorcycle into the drive and rev that thing for 15 minutes. I can hear them constantly banging things around and talking right outside of my office window. And they’ve followed me around no matter where I’ve lived for decades.

    I wish they were aliens. 🙂

  21. Uggggh. Everything up to the daughter stuff you could put down to thoughtless-jerkism but the “sprinkler” comment sets off the Red Alert danger sign. Yucky-poo. If you need any enforced Ninja skills, let me know.

  22. Ugh. So sorry about lousy neighbors. That’s truly one of the things money can’t buy you. (Unless you have a huge estate then you probably won’t have to care…) Keep your eyes on them. I feel dirty just reading what the man said. If you ask what my guess is? Porn producers.

  23. We used to be the bad neighbors before kids, parties, loud music, people over at all hours. Bad neighbors. Though my husband has never checked out a young girl; I would totally take a frying pan to his head for that. You know, I just heard if you put a conferderate flag up you don’t have to worry about bad neighbors and theives because they assume you’re cleaning your guns. Just a thought.

  24. Have you ever seen Arlington Road? I’ll just leave it at that.

  25. Whoa. The dad and his comment about your daughter? CREEPY! I don’t blame you for not liking them much.

  26. It’s fun to complain about the neighbours. After all, that’s the privilege of living in a community… with neighbours. I’ve had to forfeit that privilege because I live between a cemetery (perfectly quiet neighbours who don’t complain about ANYthing) and an empty house that sold half a year ago and NOBODY MOVED IN. So they’re quiet and uncomplaining too. Then there’s the neighbour (our only other one) who lives across the street and plows our driveway after every snowfall, who looks out for us and for the most part leaves us alone. Nothing to complain about here. It’s almost annoying.

    Then I read your post, and I’m suddenly grateful I have nothing to complain about. Those are creepy people. You should get their names and google them. They’re obviously NOT from your planet. If I were in your shoes I’d probably start putting flaming bags of puppy poo on their porch and ringing the bell.

    And now we’re moving. To a place with actual neighbours. Thanks for putting the fear of God and aliens and hidden mobsters in me. Thanks a lot. 😉

    • My wife and I went on a weekend getaway recently and our sightseeing included not one but two cemeteries. One of them had a residence directly next door. My wife commented that would be a creepy place to live. I said, “Are you kidding? That would be awesome. It’s hard to get neighbors quieter than a cemetery!”

      Just thought I’d share since our comments were so similar. 🙂

  27. Ew, Jane, that super-sucks! What weirdos.

    We live in a cul-de-sac and when we first bought our house we had seen that our next door neighbor had a daughter a little younger than ours. But we NEVER saw them outside and the sole vehicle was always parked in the driveway. We always wondered what that lady did and why she never went to work (We knew she was a lady because there was the rare occassion that she mowed her yard). One day, when we had been living here for over a year I saw her checking her mail and she looked pregnant and I was pregnant. I decided there was no way I was going to live next door to someone who was pregnant the same time as me and not meet her. Well it turned out that our due dates were one day apart, she works from home and went through a divorce which explained a lot. She is now one of my best friends and I love her and her kids. I like to kid her about what a weirdo I once thought she was 🙂

  28. They are totally aliens. Just wait, one day you’ll actually see them morph from human to not-so-human when they don’t think they’re being watched…
    -Jen

  29. joz1234

    Oh wow. Those neighbors take the cake for being bad neighbors. Hopefully you can go as long as possible without dealing with them. I don’t know if I could ever let my daughter stay home without me ever knowing that the creep is next door.

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