Happiness Is A Warm Gun

I live in the south. The Deep South.

I was born in the Mid-West. And lived there 21 years.

But the south is where I call home. After all, I’ve lived here more than half my life. And I love it here. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else.

I say “y’all.” I eat collards and grits – by choice. I drink Sweet Tea. (Note the capitalized letters because it IS a drink like no other. Truly the champagne of the South.) I even give directions like the locals: “Turn right where the old A&P used to be and then go all the way past the Henderson’s Farm and turn left.”

But there are some oddities I have yet to get used to.

Churches in shopping malls. The phrase “fixin’ to” do something. Possum – the other white meat.

Family Shooting Ranges.

Yep. You read right. A family friendly shooting range. Opening up  just 1 mile from our house. That’s what it said on the sign: Family Indoor Shooting Range. I nearabout ran off the road when I read it.

Sho’ nuff.

“Happiness is a warm gun”

Nothing says family like grabbin’ the ole .38 Special  and heading out to the local shooting range.


“Bang Bang Shoot Shoot”

I mean, family and shooting in the same sentence?

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Who knew?

(This post is part of the Five For Ten project at Momalom. Please visit their site for more wonderful posts on Happiness. Or click the button below to find out how YOU can participate!)


Filed under Observations

43 responses to “Happiness Is A Warm Gun

  1. Oh my God. I just read the title of this and started to giggle. I love you. And now I’m fixin’ to skeedaddle off to make Sweet Tea.

  2. That was the last song I heard on my drive to work this morning!

    I’m from NJ and living in the South does take some getting used to. While this part of FL isn’t the Deep South I have lived in NC, LA, the panhandle of FL. The stories I could tell! Now I want some Sweet Tea!

  3. angelcel

    “butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” ::snort:: You’re funny. 🙂

    I’m fascinated by Sweet Tea. I’ve heard it mentioned before. So how do you make a good cup/pot of Sweet Tea? I’d love to try some.

  4. Okay, so when can I come visit? Seriously, you sound like my kind of people. I’m “fixin’ ” to take a vacation sometime soon, anyways. Deep South sounds a bit like rural Canada. Sweet tea is a must here too. See? Lots in common. 😉

  5. *giggle* this is the first post to make me laugh today! so thank you for that. i spend some time in the south (houston) when i was young and couldn’t get out fast enough. i do love to read about people who love the south–i am so curious. 😉

  6. LOL. Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Well, it’s not funny that there’s a family shooting range near you but your “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” was pitch perfect. And hilarious!

    BTW, my partner’s born in the South-ish and he swears by Sweet Tea. And on the same (but different) note, there’s a Sweet Tea vodka in the house that we love adding to sparkling lemonade as the cocktail du jour. Tastes just like iced lemon tea, only more potent. I’m not sure why I went into this, but there you have it.

  7. I started off loving this post just because of the name, and now I’ll be singing that song all day 🙂 I lived in the South for much of my young life, and you sort of brought me home with this. It’s been a long while since I was down there and it’s WAYYY different up here in Washington State. Thanks for the smile.

  8. I am a native Texan and I can so relate to your post. Ya’ll, sweet tea, and everything in between. I’ve moved to AZ in the last year and I miss home. Thanks for bringing me back home to TX this morning. I am smiling while writing this.

  9. You made my mornin’ darlin’

    This is too funny. Happiness is finding the absurd, and letting it make you laugh.

  10. Jane, I’m not going to lie: I’m ALWAYS fixin’ to do something. And I’ve also had Happiness Is a Warm Gun in my head since I saw Sarah and Jen’s list of themes for Five for Ten.
    An awful lot of friendly shootin’ goes on in the South. There’s a gun shop a few miles away from where we live, and at Christmas their light display
    comprised a wire reindeer, strung up with a string of red lights dripping – I mean hanging – from its belly. Happy Holidays, huh?!

  11. HAHAHA! Hilarious. I also live in the south and have for the past 15 years which means I have lived here my entire adult life. However, for the reasons you touch on above, I still *try* to say I am a northerner since I did spend the first half of my life in Rhode Island. It is slowly losing it’s credibility, but still no southern accent and no ya’lls.

    But I must admit, Sweet Tea is the best drink ever- next to coffee. I love your ‘nearabout ran off the road’. Too funny.

  12. That’s awesome – cracked me up. We’ve got good friends that live in Mississippi – this doesn’t surprise me at all! But still, awesomely funny!

  13. This made me laugh. (And the grits?)

  14. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” Hahahahahahahahahaha *falls off of chair*

    Family shooting ranges sound… well… stereotypical for the deep South, which is kind of sad. I’m glad you embrace your “y’all”ness! And I have to say, I’d love to visit and see what it’s really like around there instead of only hearing stories about the South.

  15. I need me one a those shooting ranges right here in my family room. Might keep everyone on better behavior!

    I spent my earliest years in Atlanta. Learned to speak with a southern accent. I have videos of myself counting to five, “One two three fo fahv”… something about that southern twang makes me smile.

    This was hysterical. A perfect happiness post.

  16. unabridgedgirl

    There are churches in the mall? Really?

  17. unabridgedgirl

    PS This post made me smile.

  18. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” Oh my gosh. You are TOO much, my dear. : )

    Yeah, the churches in the mall? My husband told me about those…

  19. The Beatles rock. 🙂

    I agree. Churches in malls?

    Shooting ranges are fun. It can be a fun family activity even if it sounds a bit weird.

    I’m tempted to say something about butter and biscuit but I’ll just on and stop right here. 🙂

  20. The churches are in strip malls and they’re there because it’s a) cheap and b) near the Walmart.

    Another Southerner here — born and bred in the northern South called NC. My favorite is grits with collards mixed right in. YUM. Also, we never have a day without tea in the fridge. You know you’re Southern when you don’t have to say sweet tea because OF COURSE the tea is sweet (and only Yanks ask for it ‘iced’ – what other way is there?)!

    Ehem. Love this post!

  21. Ink

    One of my college friends used to say “fixin to ___” all the time. We all thought it was adorable!

  22. Oh, Jane. Thanks for the smile.

    My favorite part?

    “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”


  23. I wouldn’t even let my kids go paint balling because to me it’s still shooting guns at one another, and I never wanted them to connect guns with “fun”.

    I’m a boring old fart really!

  24. Yep, here Chicagoland it’s pretty hard to come across a family shooting range. And if you did, I bet it wouldn’t be nearly as fun as yours, LOL!

  25. Nearabout…oh I really, really love that. Refreshing post, I really like it.

    I live in Lanark County, otherwise known as backwoods Ontario, Canada. Odd how much we have in common. 🙂

  26. I loved reading all of your southern ‘isms… or terminology 😉
    And how many kinds of wrong is the family shooting range? (sorry if I’m offending anyone… but I can’t imagine!)

  27. Ha Ha – this had me laughing. So cute! I’m from the east coast of Canada… and there are many east coast-isms. Like using the word Right. As in “That was RIGHT some good!” 🙂

  28. Sweet Tea! I wish I could still drink it — can’t have sugar anymore. You don’t happen to know a sugar-free recipe, do you?

  29. I grew up in Virginia with Yankee New England parents that got pretty upset when we started coming home saying words like “reckon” and “kin”. But they are still there!

  30. As a Yankee trapped in the confederacy (By choice. Shh, don’t tell.), I was SHOCKED when I started using y’all. But it wasn’t until I used ALL Y’ALL that I knew there was NO GOING BACK.

  31. You crack me up! As a northerner with more than a few southern friends, I can appreciate y’all. 🙂

  32. And having a Coke. Even when it’s a Dr. Pepper or a Sprite or something else. Because it’s still a Coke no matter what the can says. In fact, I’m fixin’ to have me one now! =>

  33. I’ve spent a total of two days in Texas, driving across, hardly stopping on my way from New York to LA via Graceland. My niece lives in Austin now, but it had to be your post that made me realize how soon I need to visit as all my stereotypes evaporated in a puff of burning biscuit.

  34. Hilarious. I’m about as Yank as you can be, but I often say I’m fixin’ to do something. I also use Boston’s wicked. Because fun language is fun no matter where you live.
    I’ll bet in the South they don’t realize that Churches in malls are an admission that members are buying the ideas that the church sells…

  35. Every time I go to the South I try to get into Sweet Tea…and I just can’t. Not sure if this is good or bad…

  36. ck

    That title is awesome. And the content? Hilarious.

    I think we need to see some photos of this sign!

  37. I believe you just coined a new Southern colloquialism! Sweet Tea is the only kind of tea we make at our house in Middle Missouri so I’m very familiar with it. It’s wonderful if you put some raspberry syrup in it too! 🙂

    As for the family shooting range. Strange as it sounds in this day, my guess is a century ago it wasn’t odd at all for the kids in the family to know how to shoot a gun, especially in the rural South. And when China tries to take over our country to settle our debt to them, we may want all the guns we can get! :-O

  38. Jen

    Jane! I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m glad I’m here today. I love this (even though I find it a bit disturbing). I love the truth that you can be happy in more than one place, even despite not being completely comfortable with everything that makes a place THAT place. (I think I’m starting to lose my mind here; did that even make SENSE?)
    Really enjoyed this post.

  39. Butter my butt and call me a biscut???
    That is precious!!



  41. Pingback: Proof! Proof, I Say! « Theycallmejane's Blog

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