My heart and stomach are a little jumpy lately. My niece is graduating from high school and my sister is having a big “to do.” Which means, I’ll be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Oh sure, we’ve talked on the phone for the obligatory birthday or random holiday but to actually be trapped in the same room?
Oh, my head hurts.
Be an observer. Don’t engage. Deep breaths. All part of my mantra repertoire.
Or…….the lyrics to this song! (For those of you with a good memory, yes – you’ve seen it here before. But it still applies.)
“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle” – I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish things were comfortable and easy and smooth with my parents. But it isn’t.
“‘Cause it’s too much, yeah it’s a lot to be something I’m not” – If I play along, I’m not being who I am. I’m teaching my children very dysfunctional ways to maintain a relationship. And it is just too difficult to be someone I’m not. I refuse to model co-dependant, unfair, destructive behavior for my children to witness.
“I’m just a little girl lost in the moment
I’m so scared but I don’t show it
I can’t figure it out, it’s bringing me down
I know I’ve got to let it go and just enjoy the show” – Why oh why do I still fight the urge to turn into a 12 yr. old when I’m around my parents? Obedient, willing to do or say anything to keep the peace. The fact that I’m an adult with my own opinions, separate values and different grasp of reality is why we aren’t close anymore. They will try to drag me into their stuff and I’ve GOT to let it go. Sit back. Enjoy the show.
“I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back” – Oh, how I wish I didn’t have to go. I’ve been dreading this trip for months now. Please send me good wishes and strength. I can use all the help I can get.
“Just enjoy the show, just enjoy the show” – My new mantra. Saying it over and over and over and over……