Monthly Archives: July 2010

For My Sweet Adia – Wherever You Are

About a week ago, I began listening to the songs on my iPod in alphabetical order. I came across a song I hadn’t listened to in a long time.

Adia by Sarah McLachlan.

It was released about 5 years after we gave up our foster daughters. The first time I heard it on the radio I had to pull over into a parking lot. I was sobbing and couldn’t drive. It was about my “Adia” – that sweet, innocent and damaged 6-year-old girl who lived in my home for almost a year.

She still lives in my heart. And this song is for her.

“Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I’ve let you down
don’t you know I tried so hard
to love you in my way” – We tried. We really, really tried. And you and your sister seemed so happy with us. But court date after court date after court date – the judge would not sever your biological mother’s rights. Even though she was still turning tricks. Even though she was still using. Even though she bounced from apartment to apartment. He kept giving her another chance. And while he was giving your mother chances you were being held in limbo. Wanting to attach to us, wanting to know that you were safely where you belonged.

“Adia I’m empty since you left me
trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
to see where we went wrong” – We held on as long as we could. Yet, I still feel guilty. I still feel as if I should have done more to keep you safe. At the last court date, when the judge gave your mom another 3 months (again) to get her act together I burst into his chambers. I shouted, “We’re offering to pay for their college education and you’re telling me I’m going to be paying for their prison term. ‘Cause that’s were these girls are headed if we don’t find them a safe, healthy, permanent home!” He told me if I didn’t leave I’d be held in contempt. I sulked out of the room, defeated.

“there’s no one left to finger
there’s no one here to blame
there’s no one left to talk to, honey
and there ain’t no one to buy our innocence” – But he didn’t live with us. He didn’t see the night terrors. He wasn’t missing steak knives and scissors. He didn’t find the food you hoarded and hid in your pillow case or your backpack. He wasn’t there to clean the feces off the bathroom wall after every supervised visit with your mother. And he wasn’t there when all of that behavior died down about a week after that mandatory, monthly visit. He couldn’t hear the laughter and silliness return. Those three glorious weeks when you and your sister almost magically turned into two lovable, normal, happy little girls again.

“Adia I thought that we could make it
I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
a friend who won’t betray
pull you from your tower
take away your pain
show you all the beauty you possess” – I want you to know – sweet, amazing girl – that at the time we accepted you in our home I thought it was the perfect decision. I thought that we could make it. And then, when we had to let you go, I thought that was the right decision, too. I’m crying, now, as I write this – even though you left almost 17 years ago. I still think about you. I still wonder how you are. I still pray that you feel more joy than pain. And I hope you know how beautiful, how lovely, how amazing you are.

“’cause we are born innocent
believe me Adia
we are still innocent
it’s easy, we all FALTER,
but does it matter” – And I still get angry that such an innocent, amazing, sweet  little you was abused by your mother’s boyfriends, discarded by your mother and tossed about the court system. Property. Because of biology. When what you really needed was love and caring. And there are plenty of people out there willing to give it.

But humans aren’t perfect.

Our system isn’t perfect.

And you. Innocent you – who didn’t ask to be born in the first place – had to suffer for it.

26 Comments

Filed under Be-Causes, children, Music

Jane Agrees. Give Peace A Chance. Now, Why Can’t We Get Everyone Else On Board?

I just finished watching most of a documentary called “The U.S. vs. John Lennon.” I say “most” because the dvd kept skipping at about 2/3 of the way in so I gave up trying to finish it.

It was fascinating. What I saw of it, anyway. It covered history at a time when I was alive but not very aware.

No, I wasn’t a pothead. I wasn’t tripping on  acid.

I was 3.

As in, years old.

But that period of our history has always fascinated me. So much so, that when I was in high school (wearing tie dye and walking around barefoot and protesting the god-awful hot lunches) my friends would often say I was born in the wrong era.

At various times of my life and for various issues, I have swung both sides of the political spectrum. Sometimes more left, sometimes more right. Usually hovering somewhere in the middle.

I love peace. I want peace. I pray for peace.

Make love, not war.

Wrapping my head around why war is necessary? Very difficult for me.

For ME.

And for some of you.

But not everyone. There are bullies out there. And the self-righteous. People afflicted with severe tunnel vision. And people who will think their way is the only way until the day they die. And they’re even willing to die trying to make you and me think the way they think.

History has taught us that.

I remember a recent discussion with my husband about the wars around the world. In Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan and the Mexican drug wars. I said, “If we could just declare peace why can’t the killing just stop? What if we truly did practice the non-violence messages of Ghandi, King and Lennon?” My husband shook his head, “That would mean everyone would have to agree with you. And they won’t. You have to defend yourself. Look where it got the Tibetans.”

All we are saying, is give peace a chance.

A beautiful, amazing, wonderful, glorious message. The problem is, everyone has to be on board. Everyone has to be willing to compromise. And compromise is difficult. Because then no one is happy. Each involved has given up something for the greater good. Leaving the perfect opening, the perfect opportunity for dissent to rear its ugly head and stir up conflict again.

As short-sighted as I believe some peace-loving, political activists can be – their message is perfect, simple and pure. And their efforts to swing everyone their way is difficult but, oh, so admirable.

What saddens me, is how futile their efforts seem 40 years later.

14 Comments

Filed under Be-Causes, Ponderings

My Blog Is Shrinking My Clothes!

I did it again.

I threw a load of laundry into the dryer. I thought, just a few minutes. I’ll run upstairs, finish up that post that suffered through the typical dog barf-xbox argument-and-can-I-borrow-the-car interruptions. Should only take a couple of minutes and then I’ll run back downstairs, pull out my blouse, 3 t-shirts, jeans, 2 skirts and a pair of capris so they can finish drying on a hanger.

Nope.

Didn’t happen.

Again.

What happened is… I finished the post, looked in on a few of you, discovered a new one of you, commented, read, trolled and strolled through other blogs out there, lost track of time and now this.

Oh, if only.

More like this.

 Every time it happens I vow that it will never happen again. I will set the timer on the microwave. I will really and truly run upstairs for just one minute. I WILL remember to take my clothes out while they’re still damp.

But my blog just sucks me in. Or YOUR blog sucks me in and I can’t break away.

I’m trapped between amazing, beautiful, comical words, genius ideas and a hard place. No. A tight place. Right around the waistline or neckline or sleeve. Two inches shorter than an hour ago.

Shrink. Shrank. Shrunk.

At least I can stop blaming that bowl of ice cream I had last night.

Oh, you wonderful bloggers out there. I’m doomed.

29 Comments

Filed under All In A Day's Work, funny, How We Roll, Lessons Learned

Sometimes It’s The Simple !!! That Warms My Soul

Sometimes it’s the simple !!! that warms my soul. And this past week was no exception!

There is nothing. No thing.  Like a freshly made bed.

Or, making Rocky Road Fudge and there is no one around to lick the bowl but ME!

 

I always smile when I find evidence of my son’s inherited OCD when it comes to eating candy. He sorts just about everything he gets his hands on. And I eat my candy by color, too!

Who can resist this handsome scooter dude getting ready for the neighborhood 4th of July parade? Not me!!!

 For more !!! visit Momalom or Bad Mommy Moments.

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Filed under The !!!

My Heart Going Boom Boom Boom

I absolutely adore the song “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel. As melancholy as the lyrics can be, it is always a happy, hopeful song.

“My heart going boom boom boom” – A song full of promise. Change. A shift in perspective. That’s what happening to me now. Yesterday the shift was a bit scary, a bit depressing. Today, I am filled with hope.

“Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho’ my life was in a rut
“Till I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut” – There have been some revelations in my life recently that have caused me to stop, reassess, adjust. Some days it felt as if a door was slamming on my foot. Other days I was struck dumb. Then there was the re-evaluating relationships. The struggle. But the tempo of the music matches my mood. While difficult and uncomfortable, it’s been freeing and cleansing. I feel so much lighter today.

“When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free” – I don’t think I realized how stifled I was. How I am not myself when I am preoccupied with pleasing and compromising. I have a cautious appreciation for change. And the change in myself that I am feeling now feels right.

“I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
“Hey” I said “You can keep my things,
they’ve come to take me home” – Home. Within myself. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. Knowing what is important to me. That is the space I find myself today.

I was surprised to discover that Sarah McLachlan and Dave Matthews have versions of this song, both artists I love. But their versions were dull in comparison to the original. They didn’t make it their own, as Simon Cowell would say.

But I wouldn’t want them to make it their own.

It is perfect just the way it is.

15 Comments

Filed under Lessons Learned, Music

Nothing Is As It Seems

Did you ever have one of those moments?

You do a double take when you see a glimpse of your life. You thought things were one way and they are another.

My life has been filled with those moments in the past month. With friends. With family. It’s been unsettling.

 

Do you see a city scape? Something else?

Is she just not that in to you? Does he really listen when you speak? Does she have an ulterior motive? Can you really trust him? Are you about to be blindsided?

Unsettling moments. Uncomfortable moments. And I’ve handled them.

Barely.

On the outside I’ve blown off, shrugged off, wiped up and kissed.

On the inside I’m questioning, wondering, pining for and spent.

Just when I think I’ve got her pegged. Just when I think I can handle anything they can throw at me. That’s when it happens. Something out of left field. Something I could have never anticipated.

I’m thrown for a loop again. I feel like Charlie Brown with Lucy pulling the football away at just the last second.

That’s how I’ve felt lately.

It’s times like these that I want to become a hermit. Pack up  my essentials. Sell my other worldly goods and find a tiny, quaint (very clean) cabin at some remote location. Close enough to a town with a grocery store, hardware store and a library. A town where the locals value privacy, courtesy and kindness.

Self reliance. Become a modern-day Emerson.

“Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

That about sums it up.

Well said, Ralph. Well said.

27 Comments

Filed under All In A Day's Work, Ponderings