The 10 “How To’s” I Hope I Never Need

10. How To Remove Bed Bugs From Your Home – This has been all the rage on the internet waves lately and, like a train wreck, I can’t stop myself from clicking the links. I have never met a bed bug (knock, knock) and I hope I never will. But I have read so many stories like these in the past week, I’m becoming an expert. An expert I don’t want to be, believe you me.

9. How To Rid Your Head and Other Heads (‘others’ meaning your kids who brought them home in the first place) of Head Lice – OK. I just had a major head itch and subsequent scratch just typing that lead-in. Ick. When I was in 5th grade an outbreak occurred and I was sent to the school nurse because the base of my neck was so red. Nope. No lice. I just itch every time I hear about those little buggers. See? There I go itching again. Hurry. On to a new topic!

8. How To Get Rid of Crabs – Also of the lice family (who knew?). Makes me so glad that I am in a happy, monogamous relationship. (I know that doesn’t make me immune – so if somebody knows something out there, I’m the kind that would like to know! Just sayin’.)

7. How To Kiss – It just cracks me up that there are how to’s out there like this. Who doesn’t know how to kiss? Wait. Oh yeah, I remember him. Oh. And him, too. Yep. This how-to is definitely needed. Not for me, though. Honestly.

6. How To Pass A Drug Test – I love the first suggestion at this “how to” site – “The easiest way to pass such a test is not to take the drugs being tested.” Uh, duh! And since I’m too afraid to take any drugs that might even be tested, and since my employer (my kids and husband) don’t even know how to administer one, I think I’m pretty safe. Phew!

5. How To Wear High Heels Without Feeling Pain – I was just going to post “how to wear high heels” but then I found this site with the added “without feeling pain.” Exactly why I don’t like to wear high heels. I’ll stick with my flip-flops, sandals, clogs and sneakers. Not very sexy but oh, so comfortable.

4. How To Finish A Basement – When the time comes, I truly hope we have the means to hire someone to do this. This seems like an overwelming project next to building your own home. And it’s not for me. Let the pros do it, thank you very much!

3.  How To Escape A Car Sinking In Water – One of my top ten fears. And I have no idea why. It’s not like I live on the Pacific Coast Highway or anything. If it ever happened I’m afraid I’d be paralyzed with fear.

2. How To Overcome Depression – This one is serious. And I hope I never, ever, ever need it. Sure, I have bad days. Sometimes days that drag into three, four or more. But not like my mother. Not like some of you out there. It’s crippling. It’s debilitating. It keeps you from enjoying the amazing gifts around you. Hugs to anyone of you who may be  feeling in the dumps right now. Warm, healing hugs.

And the number one “How To” I hope I never need….

1. How to Survive An Electromagnetic Pulse Attack – Yes, that book I read last month is still freaking me out. And I’ve read about 3 books since then. You’d think I would have forgotten it by now. I’ll be shopping or dropping the kids off (knowing that I’m going to be 34 miles away from them for the next 5.7 hours) and I’ll be running scenarios through my head…”What would I do if…..?” My heart leapt in my chest just thinking about it all over again. Yes. Surviving an EMP is high on my list.

And I truly hope it’s the most unlikely thing to ever happen.


Filed under Completely Random

25 responses to “The 10 “How To’s” I Hope I Never Need

  1. Hi Jane:

    Thankfully, I’ve only ever had to use one of these “how to’s” (NOT #6 or #8!).

    I’m not sure if you saw it or not, but here’s my take on this topic:


    • Oh. My. Goodness! Talk about great minds thinking alike. I had no idea you had such a simlilar post! Honestly! (And here I thought I was being so original – oops!) Hey, everyone! For more equally worrisome how-to’s visit writerwoman! Great stuff!

      • Thanks, Jane…no worries! Great minds, indeed!Actually, some other blogging friends and I sometimes do “matching posts” on the same topic…fun to see the different points of view!


  2. I’m terrified on the car in the water thing, too! It’s so irrational!

    Had to laugh at so many of these…well, okay, maybe not bedbugs because I was so busy gagging, but everything else.

  3. I think maybe you need to find a “how to stop myself worrying about bed bugs, head lice, crabs and other nasty things” web site 🙂

    Great list!

  4. I started scratching when I read #9. Even though I’ve never experienced it. As a former foster care social worker, I was around stuff I’d never heard of until the kids brought it in. Let me tell you–lots of panic attacks.

    #8–funny story. I got these little buggers by parachuting in a borrowed jumpsuit. Yes, one of the previous users had it and the suit hadn’t been cleaned. Talk about an unpleasant surprise. Yuck!

    Great list! I love lists. And honestly, of all the things you listed, I would most rather go through #1–yes, even more than #4, which is one of my all-time fears. (Especially since I have that looming ahead of me.) 😉

  5. I’m afraid of the car in water thing too — and one of my really good friends is also, we used to run through scenarios all the time, particularly when we were always driving with multiply-buckled-in infants. I had a brief encounter with how-to-find-your-mother-in-law’s-unlisted-number when the people won’t let your unaccompanied minor get on the plane without it this morning at the airport. Whew.

  6. Wow. Quite a diverse list!

    (How did you manage to avoid the lice thing with kids? OMG, it ran through our entire public elementary school… and a neighbor who had her daughter in private school was very smug about the fact that her kid didn’t get the little nasties. Um, except then it turns out it was running through the entire private school!)

    Now as for how to wear high heels without pain, some of us are just born to strut on our tiptoes. What can I say?

  7. Oh! I hope I don’t need these either.

  8. I’m itching! I’m itching! Make it stop!

  9. Angela

    10, 9 and 8 made me scratch my head so hard……never had to deal any, not even with my children (for the record, I’m only including them in #9).

    #5 , I have to confess I was watching ‘The Devil wears Prada’ yesterday and when she entered the shoe room, I did have this vision of how gorgeous they would look on me and then I felt the ‘pain’ in my head. Oh well flats looks just as good!

    Enjoyable read.

  10. Great list (but very itchy). So far, I only have experience with #2 and #5 .. and like you, I hope I do not need any of the others.
    One “how to” not on your list that I hope I never need is:
    How to apply first-aid techniques to yourself when you are hurt and stuck out in the middle of the woods alone.

  11. Wildology

    Great list! I agree with the heels thing….flip flops here I walk! Unfortunately, I have finished a basement…….and I think it takes the cake as the worst! Let’s not get me started on the “what if” scenarios that I go through in my head:)

  12. angelcel

    #1 – We’ve discussed getting a wind turbine in the past (plenty of natural resources up here) and the subject has just been raised again. Yes, the book got us thinking too.

    (Oh, and now I’m itching …just thought you should know) 😉

  13. I am hoping to join you in not getting any of these top things. The sinking car, that kinda freaks me out!

  14. Ohmigosh! All those things to worry about that I hadn’t thought of. Here, my main concern has been having a backup of the backup of my most important files on my computer – those in which I have lots of time and/or money invested. Like my pictures, my albums, my scrapbooking files – the list grows. Tunnel vision, perhaps? Now I can worry about all these other things. And if I dream about creepy crawly make me itch things tonight. . . .

  15. Great post, Jane! Oh, I had the head lice when I was a kid, AND scabies later in life. Scabies is way worse. Ick. Bugs wandering around under your skin…. bleh.

    How To Kiss is quite an essential “How To” for some, I completely agree. Although, I must say, it’s also something you learn on your own with experience… Unlike learning how to finish a basement o_O.

  16. I have been very clear about Lice. NO. NO Lice. I told this to my sons teacher (Waldorf kids have the same teacher for 8 years) each year. NO Lice. Call me with blood, broken bones, and talking in class–but you may not call me with lice ever. I also told my kid never to wear a hat that did not belong to him..even if his teacher said his ears would fall off.
    I also used “tree oil” on the collar of his clothes, he was attracting squirrels but NO lice.

  17. Stopping to write this in the middle of incessant itching….


  18. db

    Uggh.. No. 4 – We’re attempting to do that right now.. And I really really wished we had just hired a contractor..

  19. Where’s the one about how to get rid of dandruff?

    I must check out the high heel one, it’s always been a real problem for me. These Jimmy Choo strappy shoes are giving me terrible blisters. 😉

  20. #10. Slam Dunk has quite the post on this!
    #9. I remember the first time this happened to us! I saw one and immediately blamed the dog, who cowered in the corner with “Not Me!” eyes. Came from school. An exhausting process to get rid of them. Yuck.
    #5. I wear them all the time. The trick is to sit most of the day. They feel marvelous when you sit most of the day.
    #3. One of my all time fears. I’ll be reading this one.

    Thanks for the tips!

  21. Jane, I totally share your inexplicable fear of having to escape a sinking car. I seriously think about it at least once a month and plan the methodical way to release the seat belt and wait until the pressure equalizes…I’d say it’s a top five fear if you weight terrifying death scenarios by how often I worry about them.
    But at least we both know how to escape now. What with all the lakes nearby?
    Now I feel paranoid. Meh. At least you can’t die from paranoia. Just web-searching-induced-exhaustion.

  22. Great list Jane! I am so on board with the head lice thing. When I was younger, I would always visit India in the summer time and almost always when we returned back home, I would have some lice in my hair. Before school started, my mom would douse my hair with RID (the lice potion). Oh, reading your # 9 brought back some interesting memories.

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