Monthly Archives: June 2012

Said No One Ever

Those ecards are a hoot! And I enjoy the “said no one ever” cards that have been popping up so much lately.

I have a few catch phrases of my own to add to the mix.

  • Reading blogs that swear and complain and shock me with their kitchy, inappropriate comments make me feel all warm and fuzzy and energized to meet the day, said no one ever.
  • I can’t believe the Kardashians are in the news again, said no one ever.
  • Summer vacation is a great time to organize the photo drawer and clean closets, said no one ever.
  • Those uber-moms who volunteer for every school event, plan perfect parties, create amazing, educational activities for their kids during summer vacation and always have a smile plastered on their faces are such an inspiration, said no one ever.
  • Your hourly Facebook updates are so entertaining, said no one ever.
  • I watch The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank) because I can relate, said no one ever.
  • Raw fruits and veggies are such a satisfying snack, said no one ever.
  • Those little kids are going to thank their parents someday for posting humiliating videos of them on Youtube, said no one ever.
  • Angelina Jolie truly is a saint, said no one ever.
  • I can’t wait until menopause, said no (woman) ever.
  • There just aren’t enough diet books out there, said no one ever.
  • I’m getting way too much sleep, said no (mom) ever.
  • The number of comments or hits on my blog mean absolutely nothing to me, said no one ever.
  • Beauty  magazines make me feel gorgeous, said no one ever.
  • Oh, goody! It’s another political phone call with the recording slamming Obama/Romney. I’m so glad I made it to the phone on time, said no one ever.
  • Life IS fair, said no one ever.

(Do you have one you’d like to share?)

 

16 Comments

Filed under Completely Random, Deep Thoughts

Yell At Me, OK?

I love words. I love the sound of certain words. I love the way words string together and mean so many different things. My husband calls me The Queen of Syntax. He complains that I get lost in semantics.

So, sue me. It’s my character flaw.

And I own it.

The other day my husband took a quick break from doing yard work and said to me, “I have Tai Chi class at 7pm. I’m not finished in the yard.  Could you yell at me at 6?”

Ummmmm. Sure.

At the appointed hour I stood on our back porch.

“Hey!” I yelled, “I’ve asked you a hundred times to put the suitcases in the basement! And your tools have been sitting on top of the dryer for a month! Put them away NOW, you slob!”

He doubled over in laughter.

Oh no. What will the neighbors think?

(Sorry for the re-run. My sister is still visiting and she doesn’t even know I blog. And I’m not telling her now. So, I’m going to be a bit scarce. I’ll try to sneak online but in the meantime, here are a few of my favorite posts. Enjoy your week!)

5 Comments

Filed under funny, Uncategorized, Words

Common Passwords Even A 5-Year-Old Can Figure Out

My son was playing with an old relic from my husband’s childhood. The Playskool castle. He said, “All the people are in the dungeon. And guess what? The girl in the dungeon? She figured out the code to get out. You see, the knight (he’s holding the knight in his hand showing him to me) he made up the code. And the girl figured it out. It was 1-2-3. What a dumb code! Who couldn’t figure that out?!”

Even my 5-year-old son knows that’s a stupid code.

But apparently, many of us use some of the worst passwords for our computer, our atm card, iphones. Here are the top 21 worst passwords according to TVNZ:

1) 123456
2) password
3) 12345678
4) 1234
5) pussy
6) 12345
7) dragon
8) qwerty
9) 696969
10) mustang
11) letmein
12) baseball
13) master
14) michael
15) football
16) shadow
17) monkey
18) abc123
19) pass
20) f***me
21) 6969

I was going to stop at the top 10. But then I saw #11, letmein. Letmein? I actually snorted a little on that one.

So I was going to stop at the top 11 but then I saw number 20. Number 20 reminded me a little of some of my bloggy friends out there (you know who you are!) and I started to wonder…with how often I see that phrase on your blogs I wondered if any of you use it as a password?

But I couldn’t stop at 20 once I saw #21 (totally missing #9 for some reason). 6969. Ahhhh, it takes me back to my teaching days. I taught both high school math and english (I know. I’m one of those strange anomalies – neither right-brained nor left-brained. What can I say?). Especially in math class. If I said, “Turn to page 69.” Snickers. Or, “Do problems 1 – 69 odd.” Giggles. And then there was always, “George, what is the answer to 18?” Well. If the answer was 69? He could barely get a word out, turning red, holding back a laugh, the rest of the class cracking up with one person completely oblivious saying, “What’s so funny? Why is 71 funny?”

So? Did you see YOUR password up there?

(Sorry for the re-run. My sister is in town (for 10 days!) and she doesn’t even know I blog. And I’m not telling her now. So, I’m going to be a bit scarce. I’ll try to sneak online but in the meantime, here are a few of my favorite posts. Enjoy your week!)

7 Comments

Filed under Completely Random

Before I Was A Mom…

 

…crying children were like nails on a chalkboard. Now? I frantically search until I find the source to make sure a parent is there taking care of the distraught little one.

…I slept as late as I wanted to on the weekends, which wasn’t very late, but still. I slept until I wanted to get up. Now? Wake up call in our house is 6am. Every day. Every. Single. Day.

…my husband and I could have a little romp in the hay, mid-afternoon, take a little nap afterwards and do it all over again. Now? We have to schedule time. And then keep/remember/have the energy for “the date.” Afterwards we say, “Mmmmm. That was nice. Let’s not wait 3 months for the next time, k?”

…having the money to go out was no big deal. We did what we felt like. When we felt like it. Now? We have to tack on $40-50 more to the budget for the babysitter. Ouch!

…I always remembered to shave my legs. Now? Please don’t look!

…I had seen every single Best Picture nominee for the Academy Awards. Printed out my ballots and threw a big bash so we could eat popcorn and Twizzlers and comment on the tuxes, dresses, and  speeches. Now? Do they still have those awards shows? After our nightly Curious George episode our tv is off.

…I loved my husband. Now? I adore, cherish, am continually amazed by, LOVE my husband. He is such a wonderful father.

…hugs were nice. Now? Hugs are sticky, slimy, sweet smelling, cozy little wonders all day long.

…my skin was fresh with not a wrinkle in sight. Now? I’ve earned every single “laugh line” quite honestly. My children set me into a fit of giggles at least once a day.

…I wondered how I was going to make a difference in the world. Now? I’m shaping the future with my bare hands.

(Sorry for the re-run. My sister is in town (for 10 days!) and she doesn’t even know I blog. And I’m not telling her now. So, I’m going to be a bit scarce. I’ll try to sneak online but in the meantime, here are a few of my favorite posts. Enjoy your week!)

7 Comments

Filed under children, Moms, Motherhood

The Trifecta Of Nasty Habits And Why I’d Never Date You. Ever.

I was a little ticked at my husband today. Yet again, he (fill in the blank.) And so I had to (fill in the blank again.) And with the way the day started out I sure as heck didn’t want to (you’d better sharpen your pencil.)

It really made me angry.

So, I was still fuming a little this morning, after I dropped the kids to school. The light turned yellow and then red. We were stuck at a pretty long traffic light. I say “we” because the car ahead of me had a really cute guy in the driver’s seat.

Sandy blond hair. White shirt, tie. Driving a clean, black luxury vehicle. Ooooo, he just looked at me again in his side mirror.

He smiled at me. I smiled at him.

Ahhhh, I remember my single days. Carefree. Free to look. Free to dream. Free to — whaaaaa?

Was that a stream of spit I saw spewing out the window? Ick. Ewwwww, and another? Are you kidding me?

No longer checking me out, he then tosses his still burning cigarette butt onto the street. Does he not know that cigarettes take 25 years to decompose? What a litter bug! What a slob! I feel sorry for whoever lives with….

Is he doing what I think he’s doing?

He IS!

He’s picking his nose! Gross. He’s rolling it around between his fingers and he just flicked THAT out the window!

That did it. He just committed, in a minute and twenty-second time period, the Trifecta-Of-Nasty-Habits-And-Why-I’d-Never-Date-You.

Thank God I’m already married.

I am so lucky, Honey! You are the best husband EVER! 

(Sorry for the re-run. My sister is in town (for 10 days!) and she doesn’t even know I blog. And I’m not telling her now. So, I’m going to be a bit scarce. I’ll try to sneak online but in the meantime, here are a few of my favorite posts. Enjoy your week!)

6 Comments

Filed under Completely Random

There’s No Crying In Housework

Cast of Characters

Jane (aka Mom, Taskmaster, Evil Queen of the Jane Household)

#1son (helpful 9 year old, loves baseball, the Military Channel and picking on his younger brother)

#2son (cheerful, goofy youngest of the family who will do anything to get out of chores. Anything.)

Act 1, Scene 1

(A messy home. A very, very messy home.)

JANE

First, we need to pick up the clutter. Then, you can choose something from the Job Jar and get paid OR you can do what I tell you to do and not get paid. It’s your choice.

#1SON

O.K, Mom.

(#1son happily trots off to clean playroom, bedroom, family room, garage – wherever cleaning needs to be done, he cheerfully goes. God, I love this kid! #2son continues playing with Legos.)

JANE

#2son, you need to pick up your toys now.

(#2son ignores Jane)

I mean it. You need to clean up. And you can pick a chore or I can pick a chore. But if I pick it, you’re not getting paid.

(Ad lib arguing, pleading, bargaining, hiding, going to the bathroom, needing to put on a band-aid, looking for a lost Lego, hiding again, etc.)

I mean it, #2son. I’m not fooling around. You need to help. NOW!

#2SON

But I don’t want to! I want to play with my LEGOOOOOOOOOS!

JANE

Well, you have to. Are you a member of this family? Yes. Then you have to do your part.

#2SON

Well, I don’t want to be a member of this family. I’m going to run away!

JANE

That’s fine. But before you go you’re going to have to do some chores. You owe us for dinner last night, that comfy bed you slept in and breakfast this morning. Oh, and you still haven’t worked off what you owe for your swim team fees.

(#2son’s chin starts to quiver. Eyes begin welling up.)

Oh no, mister. That’s not going to work with me.

(Tears start flowing now and he falls to a heap on the floor, face down.)

Crying? Seriously? You’re crying over a little housework? I can’t believe this! All I need for you to do is pick up your toys and pick a couple chores from the job jar. It’ll take you 15 minutes. Tops. And you’re crying about it! I do this every day. Pick up after you all. Clean toilets. Scrub floors. Vacuum. Dust. Laundry. Do you see me crying about it?

THERE’S NO CRYING IN HOUSEWORK!

(And then, realizing what she said, Jane starts laughing hysterically.)

Nope. Not one of my better moments. But I still crack myself up.

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Filed under All In A Day's Work, funny, Motherhood

Disney World! Take Me Away!

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Filed under Completely Random

Yes. There Is Even A Special Day For The Delusional. Happy Festival of Popular Delusions Day!

We all carry our favorite delusions around in our back pocket:

  • The 5-second rule for dropped food.
  • Barack Obama is not a natural born citizen of the United States. (For all you conservatives out there.)
  • Sarah Palin believes she can see Russia from her house. (For all you liberals out there.)
  • Global warming. (I just threw that in to irk my husband.)
  • Summer is a great time to get things done while the kids are out of school.
  • Irregardless is not a word. (So sad. It is so widely used it has become “nonstandard” English and now appears in virtually any dictionary. Look it up.) 
  • It takes 7 years for  gum to pass through your digestive system.
  • Eating turkey makes you sleepy. (Actually, ground beef and chicken contain the same amounts of tryptophan as turkey.)
  • Santa Claus. (For all of you. Because I still believe.)
  • That your boyfriend is completely faithful.
  • Saint Patrick was Irish. (He was English.)
  • Walt Disney is being preserved in a cryonic chamber.
  • Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. (When you’re a glass-half-full gal like me? It’s just another day.)

There are things we want to believe because it makes us happy. There are things we believe because it provides order and an explanation, no matter how irrational the belief may be. There are things we want to believe because it gives us hope. There are things we believe, not because we want to, but because we’re too lazy to look it up.

There are things we choose to believe because it’s the world we have created for ourselves and we like it that way.

Put me in that category.

I like my rose colored glasses.

I choose to believe that there can be a world without the need for war or weaponry. I believe in Disney magic and Santa Claus. I believe that the Mayan calendar would start all over again if the Mayans were here to produce a new one. I believe in the 5 second rule. (Depending on the surface on which it falls, of course.)

I choose to believe the unseen truths that comprise my faith. I believe that someday my mortgage will no longer be upside down. I choose to believe that I will not turn into my mother.  I believe that if I break a cookie in half the calories will fall out.  I believe in fairy tales and miracles. I believe that people are born good and fate has a nasty way of twisting those who succumb to evil. I believe in goodness and light and kindness and joy.

So.

Call me delusional.

I don’t care.

I’m much happier this way.

9 Comments

Filed under Be-Causes, Holiday