I Need A Support Team. A 24/7 Support Team.

Suffering, as I do, from panic/anxiety disorder is a very lonely thing. First of all, it has taken me almost two years to admit publicly that I am a sufferer.

Hi. I’m Jane. And I have …….

It’s so hard to say. Because the name means nothing to me. Okay. That’s a lie. I can’t say it because the label is so loaded in my mind.

There. My deep dark secret is out. Now, why don’t I feel better?

My panic and anxiety makes me feel weak, crazy, unlovable, a burden. Never one to ask for help before, it’s even more difficult now. And while it would also be a lie to say that I don’t already have a support team, I can say it isn’t enough.

I am suffering. I am struggling. And I dream of 24/7 support.

A nurse. To check my vitals and tell me I’m okay when I’m freaking out. But she has to be knowledgeable of Eastern Medicine and be on board with the methods I’m trying (both Western and Eastern) under my husband’s care (a doctor of Oriental Medicine) and my Western Medicine doctor.

A dietitian who doubles as an amazing chef. To feed me when I can’t bare to make the food myself. To make sure I’m eating well. To make amazing meals for my family that don’t come from the freezer or a take-out box.

A yoga instructor. To guide me in my workout and take away the anxiety I feel that I’m going to pass out every time I exercise.

An assistant. To mail my daughter’s Valentine’s care package (Yes. It’s still sitting on the counter) because I’m afraid to drive a car.

A housekeeper. To pick up the slack. I don’t mind the housework. In fact, sometimes it helps to do repetitive chores. But other times, I’m in the middle of something, I find it hard to concentrate so I move onto something else. My home is then filled with half-done projects. Or I spray Windex on the dining table or leave the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the hall, forgetting where I left off. (Don’t judge. You can’t see those pretty vacuum lines on Berber carpet.)

The perfect sleep husband. A man who doesn’t snore when I’m sleeping so lightly already. Someone who is cheerful and wide awake when I need comfort at 3am because I’ve just woken up in terror.

But most of all, I want someone to inhabit my body and take over so I can morph into the old me when my kids are around. I want to make them breakfast and listen to their joys and troubles without a pained expression on my face while I try desperately to keep it together. I want focus to be able to play a board game or read to them or have the energy to play catch. I want to be the mom I was meant to be, not this blob who shuffles through, doing the bare minimum.

Don’t get me wrong. My husband is more than understanding. His medical knowledge invaluable. The closest friend that I’ve felt comfortable sharing this struggle with picked me and the boys up when I had a panic attack out on the highway and couldn’t drive another inch.

In desperate times, people come through.

I just want 24/7 support so I never have to get to the desperate point.

Because all those times in between are such a struggle.

And difficult.

And oh, so lonely.

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18 Comments

Filed under Confessions

18 responses to “I Need A Support Team. A 24/7 Support Team.

  1. Really, really feeling for you.What we all need is trust, sympathy, understanding, belief, unconditional support and love – it doesn’t matter whether or not we have an ‘expert’ alongside or not. But thank goodness for your loving best friend expert too. Knowledge is power. And sometimes we’re the ones who aren’t offering ourselves what we need most. Hugs. 🙂

  2. I am so sorry. I wish I could help. ((you))

  3. Sending hugs and healing thoughts, Jane. xoxo

  4. NCMountainwoman

    Yes, it is a lonely thing. Far easier to have something more people can identify with. But those of us in the medical profession and those of us with loved ones similarly aching do understand. I’m so happy you have your “go-to” friend. And I hope you are not afraid to try medications, many of which are really effective. Here’s hoping the struggle will become a bit easier in days to come. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. Steven Harris

    Be strong. Hardest part is to admit to yourself and then to others that you are struggling. which you have done. So well done you. I suffer in similar ways at times. CBT has helped me to an extent – it is quite good for anxiety-based issues as it enables me to listen to a more rational voice inside my head when the irrational ones are threatening to run amock. If you do manage to get yourself a support team like the one you describe, ask them if they have UK counterparts 😉 x

  6. Oh Jane. I’m so glad you shared your burden with us. We are here for you.

  7. I sure wish I could get you that support. I’m so glad to hear that people are pulling through for you when it gets to be too much. I wish you didn’t have to go through that.

    I know there are many bloggers with anxiety disorder, the funniest of whom is The Bloggess. Maybe searching through the stories of other amazing, compassionate, smart, and loving moms who share your biochemistry would help?

    Wishing you all the best.

  8. Sending you a virtual hug across the blogosphere. I have suffered at different times from depression, and I can completely relate. I finally had to take some medicine and it helped me get back to a new type of normal. Thinking of you!

  9. “Woman having panic attack! Woman having panic attack!” My husband was yelling this through a crowded Philadelphia street as he pulled me to a place I felt safe. One woman tried to comfort me: “I’ve been there; it will be okay.” I wanted to say thank you, but I was having a panic attack, so all I could do was look her way like a deer caught in the headlights.

    My anxiety and panic attacks are often, but not always, tied to my thyroid disease. When my thyroid is out of whack, so am I.

    I feel for you. I hope you find some relief and some peace. You are very brave for sharing.

  10. Jane thank you for sharing with us. Life is not easy by any means.You have taken courage to face yourself so that you can move forward to make needed adjustments to continue your everyday life forward cycles. I have a 24/7 theme. I don’t take them for granted. It is really a priceless family when no one is left behind even when they need help. May you take challenges one day at a time. Keeping hope alive that you are blessed with another day to start over to make small steps toward that days accomplishment. Take care!!!

  11. I’m late…but I’m here. I”m sorry you are struggling with this. I can’t imagine so I won’t pretend I can. But it sounds terrible and difficult and scary. So I send you cyber hugs…the only kind I can. Just know there’s a whole lot of people that care.

  12. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain. I can’t imagine because I have never experienced a panic attack like you are describing but I do know in times of dispair telling myself, “this too shall pass.” Is helpful. Something about the words soothes my troubled hearts. Sending good thoughts.

  13. How’s your weekend going?

  14. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way.

  15. I suffer with bad panic attacks too, and at times it can be torture, and the worst thing about it is that other people don’t take me very seriously. I can so relate to the light sleeping. It’s awful isn’t it?

  16. Checking in again. Hoping things are improving. We’re getting more sun now…does that help? I don’t know.

  17. Very sorry to hear about your struggles and sending you good vibes.

    I’ve just finished reading a book called Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir by Jenny Lawson who has a section on her similar struggles. It’s interesting, insightful and FUNNY…as long as you don’t mind quite a bit of swearing 🙂

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