Just Write. Because I Haven’t Really Written In A While Now.

Dizzy. Again.

What is it? Is it my thyroid? Blood sugar? Hormonal? Or is it just my freaking mind running away without my body?

My body. Struggling to seem normal. Struggling to appear normal. I fake it. I try to fake it. I don’t know if I’m successful.

Desperate for this dizziness not to tail spin into a panic attack I try to distract myself.

So, I fold some laundry. And unload the dishwasher. And let the dog out. And check email. But because I’m dizzy, and my heart is fluttering and my mind is over in the next room, I don’t finish anything.

The damp laundry, taking on a familiar mildew-y perfume,  is sitting in the dryer with the door open. I forgot to turn it on.

The bottom rack is emptied. The top is full. And forgetting that I hadn’t emptied the entire thing, dirty dishes are now mingling with clean.

The dog is quietly whimpering on the porch. Forgotten.

Emails left unanswered. I can’t form my thoughts. They float in and out of me. Waves of words. Sinking into the sand and out of reach. Gone. Until a new wave washes up. I try to grasp at some of the letters. Some stick. Others disappear.

Normal, I think. I just want to be normal again. Please, God. Make me normal again.

Louise Hay tells me I can control my health with my thoughts. So I think harder. “I am healthy.” “I am calm.” “I am balanced.”

My husband tells me it’s physical, so I take more herbs.

My doctor agrees with my husband and encourages me to wait it out. Menopause is a tricky thing, she says.

But I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of struggling.

And I’m tired of faking normal.

——–

The above post is an exercise of Just Write by the wonderful Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary blog. Please visit her blog to read more or participate yourself! 

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6 Comments

Filed under Just Write

6 responses to “Just Write. Because I Haven’t Really Written In A While Now.

  1. Jane, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope it improves with time. Sending healing thoughts your way. xoxo

  2. Just do the important stuff, like feeding yourself.
    And napping.
    The rest will (mostly) take care of itself.

    (Good to see you!)

  3. Been there. Am still there in some way, but it’s definitely better. They are right..you have to wait it out. You are right, it sucks. No one really understands how confusing it is, and how frightening, especially when your heart races and you aren’t sure why you are where you are or what you were doing and you think you’re losing your mind. But you aren’t. It will get better. Promise. Or so they say.

  4. Okay, so I can totally relate here because we wrote about a similar topic just in a different way. I think a lot of what I have going on is for, maybe, a similar reason. The feeling stinks. Just stinks! This is so relatable so you know you’re not alone, right? I’m agreeing here with El Guapo. Take care of the basics. The rest will come along.

  5. I am so sorry, Jane. I can’t imagine how awful that feels.
    I’m addicted to lists. And they’re the only way I can remember that I leave things half done in one room and a quarter-done in another room. Because if it hasn’t been crossed off, it’s not done.

    I hope your brain settles and your body cooperates and you feel normal again.

    xoxox

  6. Been a while since I’ve been by…sorry you’re having such tough symptoms. menopause stinks, my symptoms have finally eased; just letting you know there is hope.

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