What is it? Is it my thyroid? Blood sugar? Hormonal? Or is it just my freaking mind running away without my body?
My body. Struggling to seem normal. Struggling to appear normal. I fake it. I try to fake it. I don’t know if I’m successful.
Desperate for this dizziness not to tail spin into a panic attack I try to distract myself.
So, I fold some laundry. And unload the dishwasher. And let the dog out. And check email. But because I’m dizzy, and my heart is fluttering and my mind is over in the next room, I don’t finish anything.
The damp laundry, taking on a familiar mildew-y perfume, is sitting in the dryer with the door open. I forgot to turn it on.
The bottom rack is emptied. The top is full. And forgetting that I hadn’t emptied the entire thing, dirty dishes are now mingling with clean.
The dog is quietly whimpering on the porch. Forgotten.
Emails left unanswered. I can’t form my thoughts. They float in and out of me. Waves of words. Sinking into the sand and out of reach. Gone. Until a new wave washes up. I try to grasp at some of the letters. Some stick. Others disappear.
Normal, I think. I just want to be normal again. Please, God. Make me normal again.
Louise Hay tells me I can control my health with my thoughts. So I think harder. “I am healthy.” “I am calm.” “I am balanced.”
My husband tells me it’s physical, so I take more herbs.
My doctor agrees with my husband and encourages me to wait it out. Menopause is a tricky thing, she says.
But I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of struggling.
And I’m tired of faking normal.
The above post is an exercise of Just Write by the wonderful Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary blog. Please visit her blog to read more or participate yourself!