Tag Archives: alien abduction

I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)

But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….

Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.

I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!

“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.

“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.

“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.

Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.

They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.

How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.

How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.

I am on the warpath!

And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!

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Spam Sent By Aliens! News At 11!

I’ve been saving my spam lately. No, not SPAM. (Which Hormel Foods, incidentally, has requested that you not use their trademark “all caps design” to refer to email/internet spam. You have been warned!)

I’m referring to the spam comments that appear in your comment box, waiting to be approved or deleted permanently. Usually, I just delete them. Quickly. I like a clean site. I’m all tidy that way. But lately I’ve been saving them. Why, you ask? Let me show you.

“I cannot believe this will work!” – This comment was for my Adoption Triangle of Love  post. Of course “it works!” I just spent an entire post singing the praises of this wonderfully positive adoption symbol. On the other hand, maybe you’re criticizing my very personal and positive experience with adoption. And if that’s the case, put out your dukes, buddy! You’re in for the fight of your life.

“This brings me to an idea:…” – And? Yes? You were saying? I’m waiting. Please, please, please share. Because this comment was for my But Pee Is Sterile. Right? post. And from the amount of legit comments I received on that post I’m not the only one waiting for a solution to all the little errant pee-ers out there.

“An sich ne gute Sache, ich frag mich nur, ob das auch dauerhaft brauchbar bleibt.” – Frankly, I’m afraid to translate this. It was left for my The Word Parent Is Also A Verb post. I’m not very good at accepting criticisim. Constructive or in foreign languages.

“Sometimes it’s really that simple, isn’t it? I feel a little stupid for not thinking of this myself/earlier, though. – Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? I just got done complaining in my Beware The Attack Of The Joy Suckers post.  I didn’t offer any sage advice. There was no typical positive spin. It was just a rant. (Sorry if I disappointed any of you out there that day.) I was crabby. I wrote about it. I guess there’s simplicity in that. Hmmmm. Maybe I was wrong about this bit of spam.

“Good Article. I love your site, I’ll be back for your next article” – Left for my Blast From The Past post. For Wordless Wednesday. Yep, you guessed it. Just a picture of my adorable children. No article for miles.

“Hey I love the blog. I’ve been looking for more information on Cranial Salt Lake and I was wondering if you have any good tips or pointers? I’m getting ready to move and I need all the information I can get. Thanks!” – Huh? Cranial what? You thought I might be able to help you? Where is Cranial Salt Lake? You’re moving there? Sounds absolutely cerebral. Wait, is that next to Phrenic Heights? I think I know someone who lives on Analytic Ave. I heard you have to be pretty astute to live there. Or maybe you were asking The Kitchen Witch? Because this comment was left for my Trading Spaces With One Of My Neighbors post when TKW stopped in to share. Maybe I should ask her if she can help.

“Impressive site. My friends and I were just discussing this the other evening. Also your site looks nice on my old sidekick. And thats rare. Nice work.” – Found on my post Flummoxed Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe – And Neither Does Eliminate, Apparently . Interesting, that you and your friends would be discussing this very same thing. Do you know my friend? Do I know you? And what is a sidekick? But it’s rare that a site would look nice there? And mine does? Oh – flattery will get you everywhere! (I think I’m blushing!)

“imbTgW pxlldpqtudqv, [url=http://rllbdbdvbngx.com/]rllbdbdvbngx[/url], [link=http://ankluhryhgfc.com/]ankluhryhgfc[/link], http://quytvadkklea.com/” – And this was left for my Tag! You’re It! post. I can’t even decifer this comment. Is it in code? Maybe some computer nerds are fans! Do you think it might be alien? OMG. Do you think aliens are reading my blog? Wait. I have been a little jumpy lately with difficulty concentrating and increased sleep disturbances. All signs of an alien abduction! Do you think I was abducted?

I’m sorry. I’m going to have to stop here.

I think I’ve been abducted.

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Filed under funny, Observations