Tag Archives: friendships

There’s Been A Divorce. Who Gets The Friends?

“That, whereas, the parties hereto will divide the once mutual friendships as follows…”

How much easier and comforting it would be if we knew who got the friends in a divorce. No hassles. A little haggling. But you’d know who you could count on and who you no longer couldn’t.

But that isn’t how it happens. There isn’t a judge or written agreement that chooses who will maintain a friendship with one and not the other. It happens more organically. The choosing of sides.

And sometimes, neither side is chosen. As lives shift and shuffle, friendships simply disappear in a divorce.

In my many years on this planet, I’ve realized a few things:

  1. Friendships are essential.
  2. Most friendships are fleeting.
  3. The friendships that have staying power are rare.

When I divorced, oh so many years ago, I was stunned with who stuck around and who disappeared. The ones I expected to be with me through thick and thin began to drift away. It wasn’t sudden. I didn’t feel like a leper. But one day, I realized we hadn’t spoken in a while, conversations were slightly uncomfortable, they weren’t the first person I’d reach out to for a giggle or a cry. And then? Nothing. No contact for years.

No longer friends.

And while I’m okay with losing a few of those people, there’s one friend in particular that I miss. Terribly. I feel a little hole where her friendship used to be.

But then, there is a dear friend, who rose to the occasion, has put in more than I deserved at times, to stay friends. A rare diamond of a friendship that I treasure.

It’s made me wonder. What kind of a friend will I be?

If 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and most of my friends are still married, odds are I’ll have to chose sides someday. (If you are one of my friends reading this right now, don’t worry. You are in one of the marriages that is going to make it. I’m talking about the other 50% of my friendships.) 

We’ll probably stay friends with the husband in at least one couples friendship. The wives in the other few. A morbid line of thought, but reality all the same. It won’t be easy. It won’t be pleasant. It’s just the inevitable.

I wish there was a fair, equitable and comfortable way to divvy up the friendships after a divorce. A method where everyone agrees and everyone is happy. Something finite. Something you can count on.

But there isn’t.

When there is a divorce, the friendships are casualties in a uncomfortable war. Sometimes you know immediately who will stick with whom. Sometimes there are surprises.

But it is rarely clean and clear cut.

It’s often messy.

And always sad.

Kind of like the divorce that got us there in the first place.

 

 

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Filed under Deep Thoughts, friends

10 Things You Need To Know About Jane

10. You may not have a need to know these things but these are 10 things about me that I feel are share-worthy.

9.   I’m good at wasting list-space by rambling about things that probably don’t need an explanation.

8.   Currently, I am sporting an adorable chipped tooth look. The front one. Yep. Adorable. (I wonder if there are any Beverly Hillbilly sequel auditions nearby?)

7.   I have that annoying habit of providing way too much information when you ask me a simple question. You know the type. Giving much more background info than is necessary. I even annoy myself.

6.   My parents gave me the delightful nicknames of “Chatterbox” and “Dumbo” while I was growing up. Yes, I talk too much and yes, my ears stuck out. (I wouldn’t know because now I hide them behind my hair.) Isn’t that sweet? (No wonder I have such self-esteem issues.)

5.   I am a Mama-Bear to the nth degree. At least, that’s what my husband says.

4.   I used to have champagne tastes on a beer budget. Now, I have champagne tastes on a decent bottle of wine budget. Do you think that when I catch up to the champagne budget my tastes will morph into a glass of  1997 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti? It goes for about $1500 a bottle. A bottle! I don’t know about you, but I’d be sick to my stomach after drinking a house payment.

3.   Who am I kidding? I’d be sick to my stomach after drinking an entire bottle of wine. Of any variety. I am a lightweight. One and a half glasses is my limit.

2. But give me a 32oz. tub of coke and I’ll polish it off like nobody’s business. Maybe I do need Mayor Bloomberg looking over my shoulder.

1. If you ask me, point blank, if you’ve offended me? No matter how non-confrontational I am, I will tell you the truth. I will. That’s just how I am. And how much I value my friendships. And there’s not much that truly offends me since I love a great debate and seeing things differently and having my values agitated a little. So, lighten up. Relax. I won’t bite.

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Filed under Completely Random