Yep. That’s My Goal.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Most wonderful commercial ever! (At this time of year, anyway!)

Just one more week for mine. How about yours?

From The Mouths Of Babes

Grammy: When your mom gets back from her trip I can just hear it! You’re going to tell her all I did was feed you McDonald’s and that I yelled at you that one time.

#2son: No. You yelled at me two times.

Grammy: I only remember the one time.

(#2son places fingers on temples and closes his eyes.)

#2son: Ahhhh, yes. But I can see into the future!

Releasing Cheaters Into The Wild? Now That’s Tough Love!

(To celebrate her high school graduation, my daughter and I are on a little hiatus together. A mother/daughter hiatus. I will be posting some of my favorite posts in the interim. Enjoy!)

 

The facts: I am a rule follower. My mother wears hearing aids. I like to listen to the BBC a few mornings a week to hear world news and opinion.

Now, on with my story…

The other morning I was listening to the BBC when I heard the newscaster say, “Blah, blah, blah (some organization, from India maybe?) is planning on releasing cheaters into the wild.”

Cheaters?

Isn’t that a little harsh?

What will it be like…maybe a remote area, similar to a leper colony? Or will it be like that reality show “Survivor” and there will be cameras, a neutral host and episodes on trust and how to cheat a cheater?

Didn’t she say India? I never realized their justice system was so harsh. Is a cheater someone who cheats on a spelling test or on their taxes? Or is this for cheating spouses? They’ll banish them from society and make them live with their fellow cheaters. See how they like cheating then! Yep. That’ll teach ’em.

And then the newscaster spoke of “Chiner.”

Chiner? I’ve never heard of that country….

Oh, wait. China. And cheetahs. Releasing cheetahs into the wild.

Oops.

Nevermind.

 

One Mistersippi, Two Mistersippi, Three Mistersippi

“One Mistersippi, two Mistersippi, three Mistersippi….”

(I start giggling uncontrollably.)

“What, Mommy? What’s so funny?”

“Mistersippi?” I ask.

“Yeah. ‘Cause that state is a boy state.”

(I try to stifle back another giggle but I’m unsuccessful.)

“Sweetie, it’s Mississippi.”

“Ohhhhh, so it’s a girl state! Thanks, Mom!”

He runs off to continue playing with his brother and I hear, “One Missus-sippi, two Missus-sippi, three Missus-sippi…”

Yep. Must be a girl state.

Trading Sociological Spaces. The Kid Version.

Fade in. Interior of Jane’s car, complete with discarded straw wrappers, miscellaneous school papers, sand and errant leaves. Two disgruntled boys sit in the back seat with arms folded.

#1son: Why do we have to go to church?

Jane: Because it’s good for you. It’s a place where you can learn how to do good things.

#1son: We already know. Ms. Park (#1son’s teacher) always teaches us about that. How to “do unto others” and help people and give to the poor. Stuff like that.

Jane: Well, that’s great. I love it that she’s teaching you those things, too. But church is another place where we can learn those things.

#2son: But we don’t want to go. Plus, we’re already good.

Jane: I beg to differ. What about the two arguments over xbox I had to break up this morning?

Silence.

More silence.

#2son: If we already know what we’re supposed to do to be good, why do we still have to go to church?

Jane: Because we want to show God that we’re making an effort to do good things. And when you listen to the sermon, you might learn something new, something you hadn’t thought of before to continue to do good things. You might be reminded of ways that you could do better.

Silence. Arms still folded in defiance. (The boys in the back seat, not driver Jane.)

#1son: Mom? What’s a gangster?

Jane: A person who does bad things to people.

#1son: Like kill them?

Jane: Yes. Like kill them.

#2son: Do gangsters go to church?

Jane: Probably not.

#2son: Well, maybe they should be going to church this morning instead of us.

Ahh, from the mouths of babes.

 

Son Drops the “S” Word! Queen Mother of Dirty Words! (To a 6 yr. old, that is)

(OK. When you have three kids you have to give everyone the same amount of press time. Here is a classic story from my family archives about son#1. If you’re a long time reader – long time in Blog Years, that is – you’ll remember this from last year. I’ve been travelling all weekend for my brother-in-law’s memorial service and frankly, I have no faith that I’ll be able to produce a post worth reading today. So, please. Enjoy one of my favorites!)

“MOMMY! #2son said the S word!” shouted my #1son from upstairs.

My heart skipped a beat. I racked my brain, trying to remember when I might have slipped. Was it when I spilled coffee all over my blouse getting into the car yesterday morning? Or when I rolled through that stop sign and THEN saw the police car in my rear view mirror?

“MOMMY! #2son said the S word! He needs to go in time out!” #1 son is now standing in front of me, demanding  justice.

“What exactly did he say?” I said, sternly. “And remember. You’re tattling – so it better be worth it.”

I held my breath, waiting for his reply.

“He said ‘Shut up’ and you’re not supposed to say ‘shut up,’ ” #1son said, triumphantly.

I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “You’re right. That’s not nice and we don’t say shut up. Just ignore him.”

I led #1son back upstairs to play so I could finish dinner.

“Mom, there are two S words, right?”

Oh no. Heart pounding, I scowled. That darn husband of mine. Letting loose like a sailor in front of the boys. Leaving me to deal with potty mouth. Next I’ll be getting phone calls from parents. I could just see it, unwrapping the bar of soap, placing it between his teeth – my husband, not the boys.

“Riiiiggghhhtt,” I said very slowly.

“Yep. There’s shut up and stupid. And I don’t say those words. Those are bad words!” #1son says, proudly.

My heart starts beating again at a comfortable pace. I’m able to exhale with ease.

How I dodged the bullet this time, I honestly don’t know.

Thank goodness it wasn’t the F word.

(Freak, people. Geez!)

Like Mother, Like Son Or Is It The Other Way Around?

Five minutes from home, I noticed a voice mail message on my cell phone.

“I hope you receive this before you get home but #2son is complaining of a stomach ache. He’s in the infirmary now and you’ll need to come pick him up.”

I just dropped them off at school 20 minutes ago. He seemed fine.

It figures.

I was raised in a Western Medicine household. My great-uncle was our pediatrician. My mother was a intensive care nurse. There are more nurses, a surgeon and a general practitioner.

So I go off and marry a man who practices Eastern Medicine. I could just have well married a man from Mars.

“Are you sure these herbs are safe?” “Why am I taking all three of these?” “What does this one do?” “What if I just took that herb?” “I’m supposed to take how many? Are you sure that’s the right dose?” “Will this react with anything else I’m taking?”

My husband calls me his worst patient.

It’s OK.

He’s right.

When we arrive home, I call my husband. I tell him the symptoms our 6-year-old son is experiencing and he confirms my diagnosis. Well, not my diagnosis, but the herbs that I was planning on giving him.

“What did Daddy say?”

“He said it sounds like a damp cold pathogen in your digestion,” I tell him, getting the herbs from the cabinet.

“What are you giving me?”

“OK,” I say to my son, “These are for your tummy and these herbs are just in case it’s something more.”

“Something more?” my son asks.

“Yes. More than just a tummy ache.”

“But what if it’s not? What if it’s just a tummy ache?” He holds up the second dose of herbs to show me.  “Will these pills damage my body if it’s not just a tummy ache?”

“No, those herbs will not damage your body if it’s not just a tummy ache.” I’m fighting back the giggles.

“Are you sure?” He questions.

By now I’m laughing. I can’t help myself.

“You ARE your mother’s son!” I say.

“Of course I am, ” he quips, exasperated, “Everyone can see that!”

Yes. Yes they can.

 

(My week started out with two heavy posts so I’ve ended my week with some light-hearted family entertainment. I usually don’t focus on my kids too much here so if this isn’t what you’re looking for, I apologize. I suppose I’ve been spending some time lately counting my blessings. (And now #1son is going to wonder why he didn’t get any press time. I’d better start cracking!) Stay tuned next week for more thought-provoking words of wisdom. Or not. You’ll just have to wait and see!)

My Life In Sound Bites

#2son – Mom? I’m going to be rich when I grow up.

Jane – Sweetie, the most important thing is that you’re happy.

#2son – Well, I’m sure going to be happy when I’m rich.

(sigh)

________

#1daughter – You just don’t get it, Mom. Just leave me alone!

(Jane turns to walk away)

#1daughter – Noooo! (reaching out with both arms) Don’t go!!!

________

(And on a more serious note…)

(Upon seeing the cover of the latest Time magazine at Barnes and Noble two days ago. Please go here to view , if you haven’t seen it already. I’ve decided I don’t want that distressing picture on this post today.)

Husband – You know, the same people who are protesting our involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan are the same people who would be up in arms if we weren’t there ‘doing something’ about the appalling and horrific treatment of women. It’s a mess either way.

 ________

Don’t forget! Write your post about blogging to help me celebrate my one year in Blog World. We’ll all meet back here in 10 days to link, learn and maybe have a few laughs!

Releasing Cheaters Into The Wild. Now That’s Tough Love!

The facts: I am a rule follower. My mother wears hearing aids. I like to listen to the BBC a few mornings a week to hear world news and opinion. Now, on with my story…

The other morning I was listening to the BBC when I heard the newscaster say, “Blah, blah, blah (some organization, from India maybe?) is planning on releasing cheaters into the wild.”

Cheaters?

Isn’t that a little harsh?

What will it be like…maybe a remote area, similar to a leper colony? Or will it be like that reality show “Survivor” and there will be cameras, a neutral host and episodes on trust and how to cheat a cheater?

Didn’t she say India? I never realized their justice system was so harsh. Is a cheater someone who cheats on a spelling test or on their taxes? Or is this for cheating spouses? They’ll banish them from society and make them live with their fellow cheaters. See how they like cheating then! Yep. That’ll teach ’em.

And then the newscaster spoke of “Chiner.”

Chiner? I’ve never heard of that country….

Oh, wait. China. And cheetahs. Releasing cheetahs into the wild.

Oops.

Nevermind.