Tag Archives: how-to

The 10 “How To’s” I Hope I Never Need

10. How To Remove Bed Bugs From Your Home – This has been all the rage on the internet waves lately and, like a train wreck, I can’t stop myself from clicking the links. I have never met a bed bug (knock, knock) and I hope I never will. But I have read so many stories like these in the past week, I’m becoming an expert. An expert I don’t want to be, believe you me.

9. How To Rid Your Head and Other Heads (‘others’ meaning your kids who brought them home in the first place) of Head Lice – OK. I just had a major head itch and subsequent scratch just typing that lead-in. Ick. When I was in 5th grade an outbreak occurred and I was sent to the school nurse because the base of my neck was so red. Nope. No lice. I just itch every time I hear about those little buggers. See? There I go itching again. Hurry. On to a new topic!

8. How To Get Rid of Crabs – Also of the lice family (who knew?). Makes me so glad that I am in a happy, monogamous relationship. (I know that doesn’t make me immune – so if somebody knows something out there, I’m the kind that would like to know! Just sayin’.)

7. How To Kiss – It just cracks me up that there are how to’s out there like this. Who doesn’t know how to kiss? Wait. Oh yeah, I remember him. Oh. And him, too. Yep. This how-to is definitely needed. Not for me, though. Honestly.

6. How To Pass A Drug Test – I love the first suggestion at this “how to” site – “The easiest way to pass such a test is not to take the drugs being tested.” Uh, duh! And since I’m too afraid to take any drugs that might even be tested, and since my employer (my kids and husband) don’t even know how to administer one, I think I’m pretty safe. Phew!

5. How To Wear High Heels Without Feeling Pain – I was just going to post “how to wear high heels” but then I found this site with the added “without feeling pain.” Exactly why I don’t like to wear high heels. I’ll stick with my flip-flops, sandals, clogs and sneakers. Not very sexy but oh, so comfortable.

4. How To Finish A Basement – When the time comes, I truly hope we have the means to hire someone to do this. This seems like an overwelming project next to building your own home. And it’s not for me. Let the pros do it, thank you very much!

3.  How To Escape A Car Sinking In Water – One of my top ten fears. And I have no idea why. It’s not like I live on the Pacific Coast Highway or anything. If it ever happened I’m afraid I’d be paralyzed with fear.

2. How To Overcome Depression – This one is serious. And I hope I never, ever, ever need it. Sure, I have bad days. Sometimes days that drag into three, four or more. But not like my mother. Not like some of you out there. It’s crippling. It’s debilitating. It keeps you from enjoying the amazing gifts around you. Hugs to anyone of you who may be  feeling in the dumps right now. Warm, healing hugs.

And the number one “How To” I hope I never need….

1. How to Survive An Electromagnetic Pulse Attack – Yes, that book I read last month is still freaking me out. And I’ve read about 3 books since then. You’d think I would have forgotten it by now. I’ll be shopping or dropping the kids off (knowing that I’m going to be 34 miles away from them for the next 5.7 hours) and I’ll be running scenarios through my head…”What would I do if…..?” My heart leapt in my chest just thinking about it all over again. Yes. Surviving an EMP is high on my list.

And I truly hope it’s the most unlikely thing to ever happen.

25 Comments

Filed under Completely Random

I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)

But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….

Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.

I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!

“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.

“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.

“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.

Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.

They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.

How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.

How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.

I am on the warpath!

And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!

20 Comments

Filed under funny