I Grieve. Or I Am A Rock. Take Your Pick.

 Two weeks ago, my brother-in-law died.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my daughter’s boyfriend’s death.

Today, my aunt died.

It’s been a rough few weeks. To make matters worse, my aunt wasn’t doing well for the past week or so and I had no idea. She lives over 2000 miles away and we kept in touch through emails and holiday cards. My parents knew. But chose not to tell me. (Dysfunction is alive and well in my family.) I already live with the regret of my last visit with my grandmother. And while I feel good about how I maintained my relationship with my aunt, it bothers me in this moment that I didn’t get the chance to talk to her one more time. If I had known she wasn’t doing well, I would have called her. She’s not the type to email me and tell me she’s suffering. And I had no idea.

“I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing what’s gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on” – The grief in me misses the relatives and friends who have passed. This part of life sucks. Losing people. Good people. People who are loving, kind, fill you with joy. And because I’m getting older I’m in for more loss. How do you reconcile that? How to adjust? We carry on. But with more lonely moments than before.

 

“I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.” – Anger. At my parents for cutting me off like this. Punishing me for not playing by their rules. Anger at the loss I’ve experienced and the more to come. I will get through this. But for now I want to be an island. I want to never cry. I want to feel no pain.

 

Or

Take your pick.

Tunes for Tuesday – American Tune

I am feeling so melancholy.  Sometimes I play upbeat, crazy, happy songs to lift me out of a funk. Then other times, I listen to the songs the mimic the mood I’m in, honoring and celebrating the fact that I’m human. This is one of those songs.

“Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken
And many times confused” – I wish sometimes that I wasn’t the Pollyanna that I am. When people are cruel or unkind, I just don’t get it. What propels you to that level? What satisfaction can anyone possibly get from being unkind?

“Yes, and I’ve often felt forsaken
And certainly misused” – I trust too much. I believe everyone comes from the place that I come from – sunshine and roses. And then I’m horribly disappointed. Over and over. I never seem to learn.

“Oh, but I’m all right, I’m all right
I’m just weary to my bones” – And it’s true. I get over it. But I still never seem to learn. And it wears me down. So I start to mistrust or use more caution. And I don’t like the person I become. So I shake it off and start all over.

“And I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
I don’t have a friend who feels at ease” – I know I’m not alone. But I still feel that way. Alone. Not a fun place to be.

“I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
or driven to its knees
but it’s all right, it’s all right
for we lived so well so long” – And I know we all get out of our funk. And the struggles we were dealing with seem so far away when we look back on them. We just need to be reminded. So today, I’m reminding myself how far I’ve come. My life may not be the picture perfect scripted utopia I wanted – and that’s ok.

“Still, when I think of the
road we’re traveling on
I wonder what’s gone wrong
I can’t help it, I wonder what’s gone wrong” – But that doesn’t mean I don’t have regret. I wish I could be one of those people who don’t think twice. Moves on so easily. That’s not me. I second guess. I kick myself. I think if only I had done (fill in the blank). I’d like to think that I live without regret and because I don’t wallow in my past transgressions I suppose I do an ok job of it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t envy those who seem detached from the past.

“Oh, and it’s alright, it’s all right, it’s all right
You can’t be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow’s going to be another working day
And I’m trying to get some rest” – So you go to bed and wake up to a new day. A long time ago, another lifetime ago, I was married. And unhappy. And someone suggested I might be depressed. I said “No. I wake every day in such a good mood. I’m not depressed.” What I didn’t say was “Oh. You might be right. I’m so exhausted by 3pm and all I want to do is sleep. And everything at the end of the day makes me cry.” But I struggled through. And moved on. And each day got a little easier. That’s all we can hope for.