Releasing Cheaters Into The Wild? Now That’s Tough Love!

(To celebrate her high school graduation, my daughter and I are on a little hiatus together. A mother/daughter hiatus. I will be posting some of my favorite posts in the interim. Enjoy!)

 

The facts: I am a rule follower. My mother wears hearing aids. I like to listen to the BBC a few mornings a week to hear world news and opinion.

Now, on with my story…

The other morning I was listening to the BBC when I heard the newscaster say, “Blah, blah, blah (some organization, from India maybe?) is planning on releasing cheaters into the wild.”

Cheaters?

Isn’t that a little harsh?

What will it be like…maybe a remote area, similar to a leper colony? Or will it be like that reality show “Survivor” and there will be cameras, a neutral host and episodes on trust and how to cheat a cheater?

Didn’t she say India? I never realized their justice system was so harsh. Is a cheater someone who cheats on a spelling test or on their taxes? Or is this for cheating spouses? They’ll banish them from society and make them live with their fellow cheaters. See how they like cheating then! Yep. That’ll teach ’em.

And then the newscaster spoke of “Chiner.”

Chiner? I’ve never heard of that country….

Oh, wait. China. And cheetahs. Releasing cheetahs into the wild.

Oops.

Nevermind.

 

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

It’s that time of year again. When my spam folder is full and crackin’ me up!

“Here at (insert blog title here) we are debating the same thing!” — comment left on “How is Jane Crazy? Oh, Let Me Count the Ways”

Yep. You and about every other Jane fan out there! Now this spam was worth keeping. If only to keep me giggling.

“It is very interesting for me to read that article. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon. By the way, pretty nice design your site has, but how about changing it every few months? I mean it!” — comment on the post “Son Drops the “S” Word! Queen Mother of Dirty Words (To a 6 yr. old, That Is)”

Seriously? You find my 6-year-old tattling on his 5-year-old brother interesting? Well, you’re welcome. I’m glad I can entertain. Good luck finding more potty mouth articles on “this matter.” You’d like to “read a bit more on that blog soon?” Which blog? Here? I try to keep my blog pretty clean, thank you very much. And for the record, I like my “pretty nice design” just the way it is. No changes necessary. But thanks for your input.

“You should use a weight loss calculator.” — comment on To Flu Shot or Not To Flu Shot. That Is The Question.

Hey! Be nice!

“Ghost ride that whip!” — comment on Spotting Signs of the Ever Elusive Teenager

Ok. Whaaaaaa?

“Thank you very much my friend, you are very kind in sharing this useful information with others…. the details were such a blessing, thanks.” — comment on Punks Unite! Well, For Today, Anyway.

Anytime. Anything I can do to help my fellow punks out. And “the details were such a blessing?” Seriously? Kid, you need to get out more.

Releasing Cheaters Into The Wild. Now That’s Tough Love!

The facts: I am a rule follower. My mother wears hearing aids. I like to listen to the BBC a few mornings a week to hear world news and opinion. Now, on with my story…

The other morning I was listening to the BBC when I heard the newscaster say, “Blah, blah, blah (some organization, from India maybe?) is planning on releasing cheaters into the wild.”

Cheaters?

Isn’t that a little harsh?

What will it be like…maybe a remote area, similar to a leper colony? Or will it be like that reality show “Survivor” and there will be cameras, a neutral host and episodes on trust and how to cheat a cheater?

Didn’t she say India? I never realized their justice system was so harsh. Is a cheater someone who cheats on a spelling test or on their taxes? Or is this for cheating spouses? They’ll banish them from society and make them live with their fellow cheaters. See how they like cheating then! Yep. That’ll teach ’em.

And then the newscaster spoke of “Chiner.”

Chiner? I’ve never heard of that country….

Oh, wait. China. And cheetahs. Releasing cheetahs into the wild.

Oops.

Nevermind.

 

It’s Not The Apocalypse. It’s The Ballroom Blitz!

I am still agonizing over the apocalypse described in that silly book I finished over the weekend. I need a distraction and I need it bad(ly).

It has to be fun.

It has to be silly.

So enjoy, my top 10 silly songs of all time (well, for today, anyway – because apparently, that’s all we have.)

10. White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic – A shout out to #1son! I still giggle over the time we first watched this video together as a family and cracked up at how much it sounded like my husband, their father.

9. Popmuzik by M – Reminds me of my summer in Germany. I think this was the only song I heard in Europe before all my friends in the States.

8. Turning Japanese by The Vapors – I’m sorry. I love what this song is about and how it gets played on the radio without a blink on an eye. (Ba-dum-bum)  I know, I’m all sophomoric that way.

7. Charlie Brown by The Coasters – A reallllll oldie but goodie.

6. Here It Goes Again by OK Go. – Come on. Admit it. You love that video, too. Makes me giggle every time.

5. These Boot Are Made For Walkin’ by Nancy Sinatra – Picture this. Me and my best friend, about 5 years old,  in our shiny white “Go-Go” boots, lip-syncing this for a talent show. Makes you smile, too, huh?

4. Amish Paradise by Weird Al Yankovic – Another nod to my boy. “I know I’m a million times more humble than thou art.”

3. The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) by Simon & Garfunkel – Always makes me smile. Every. Single. Time.

2. Istanbul (Not Constantinople) by They Might Be Giants – “Why did Constantinople get the works? That’s nobody’s business but the Turks.” Silly at it’s finest.

And the number one silly song (for today, anyway)……

1. The Ballroom Blitz by Sweet – The video alone is a crack-up. The shiny, skin-tight suits. High collars all the way up to there. The hair. Oh, the hair. And Ballroom Blitz – sorta fits my apocalyptic mood lately. I just can’t not tap my toes, shimmy my shoulders and toss my head about whenever I hear this song. Too silly. Too fun. Enjoy!

Di Bom Digi Bom Di Deng Di Deng Digigi

“My style is di bom digi bom di deng di deng digigi”

There is no story behind these lyrics.

For me, anyway.

I first heard this song during the car chase scene (a soon-to-be-classic-car-chase-scene) in the movie “Date Night.” Ironically, I saw that movie alone. (The story on that is for another post.) And then it popped up on my iTunes recommendations list.

I took it as a sign.

So I downloaded it. And after a few plays I realized I’ve heard this song before. According to Wikipedia it’s been used for a number of things including: ads for Heineken and Tab Energy soft drink, on the TV shows “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Entourage,” in the movies “Man of the Year” and “The Honeymooners.”

Perfect song for a Tune for Tuesday! So I checked out the lyrics.

Whaaaaaaaa?

Phonetic. Non-sensicle. I honestly tried to decipher them but requests for Cheez-Its and extra minutes playing xBox side-tracked me.

It’s just a fun, silly, goofy song that is sure to put a smile on your face. My kids love it when I break into the sillies and yours will, too!

So turn it up! Dance in your living room! Grab your kids and shake it!

Happy Tuesday!

Kid Logic Or Why I Was Pulling My Hair Out During Spring Break

“Mommy! My foot is cold,” whined #2son.

Uh, maybe that’s because you only have one sock on.

“Yeah. I guess so,” he mused, “Hmmm. I know what I can do!”

Put on your other sock?

“No!” he was sent into a fit of giggles.

“Take OFF my sock! Now BOTH of my feet are cold!”

 

I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)

But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….

Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.

I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!

“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.

“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.

“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.

Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.

They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.

How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.

How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.

I am on the warpath!

And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!

It’s Share Your Crazy Search Engine Terms Day!

The day you’ve all been waiting for! I’ve had some doozies. And many of them I have NO idea how they led poor souls to MY blog. Without further ado, here are mine. I can’t wait to hear yours!

This all started when I came across a search term that led someone to my blog, “Wrinkled Boobs.” Are you kidding me? Who searches for wrinkled boobs? And since that post here are some variations that have led people here: wrinked bobbs, wringled boobs, boobs right, boobs left. Boobs left and right? Seriously, there are a lot of boobs people out there that are obsessed with boobs.

turtle poop – I know exactly which post they were directed to: here. But what baffles me is why anyone would Google turtle poop.

Hey, I’m going away but I got something – Huh? This has got to be lyrics to a song or something.

(my daughter’s nickname which is fairly unique) – And it freaked me out. Her nickname is VERY unique and I found out it was attached to a photo I used of her which I quickly renamed.

dirty mom son – – Ewwwwww. Just Ewwwwww.

mom getting dirty with son and girlfriend – Double ewwwww!

kids clack – Huh? Just huh?

dirty fat moms – Hey! Who you callin’ fat, Willis?

top ten reasons you might be a jedi redneck – Someone actually knows that it’s possible and then even cares about being a jedi redneck. That astounds me.

Ok. So let’s hear yours. You can leave it in the comment section here OR if you’ve written a post on it as well, make sure you link it in the comment section so we can all take a look. Thanks for playing!

(We just found out my daughter’s team has a very good chance of advancing to finals in the State Championships. If that happens I won’t be able to check in with you all until sometime Saturday. I’ll miss you all but can’t wait to read what you’ve come up with! See you soon and wish us luck!)

What Do You Do With A Goofy Sailor?

Our youngest, age 5, has become a little too comfortable in his classroom of late and his teacher brought it to our attention. I asked her to text me with updates. It’s been well over a week since we talked so I thought things were going well. Yesterday morning we received our first text from her.

“#2son has needed constant redirection and has been excessively silly today. Have a great weekend! – Mrs. Wonderful”

I begin to laugh. And then I think, there’s some great blog fodder in here, I know it. But I’m laughing too hard to type.

First, let me say #2son’s teacher truly is wonderful. I love her to death and she is perfect for our son, hence the name Mrs. Wonderful.

But there’s this part of me that wants to say, then deal with him. What can I do about it from home?

Then there’s the part of me that wants to do what my friend suggested and text her back with “Well, then TGIF, right?”

Then there’s another part of me that knows exactly, EXACTLY, what she’s dealing with and I’m with her – what can we do about it?

And still another part of me is still cracking up over the quick little sentence closed with “Have A Great Weekend!”

#2son is the class clown. And adorable. And sweet, imaginative and funny. Needs redirection? All. The. Time. Excessively silly? You betcha. He wants to be an actor. He performs in front of the mirror constantly. He is continually in Imaginary Land. His world is punctuated with sound effects. One day he’s fighting aliens. Or a sailor on the high seas standing on the couch with his spyglass looking for shark. The next day he’s a pirate, or Yoda, or Spiderman (especially funny when I see him trying to adhere to the walls).

 

When he got into the car at carpool I asked him how his day was. “Good,” he replied. That’s not what Mrs. Wonderful said, I told him. “Oh,” he said. Long dramatic pause. Then he said, “Well, it sure was good to ME!”

See what I mean? I started laughing all over again.
Thank goodness my husband is the disciplinarian in our family. Obviously, I’m not cut out for this.

Wordless Wednesday