Tag Archives: spam

Lovely Spam, Wonderful Spam!

I am not perfect. By any stretch of the imagination. I love run-on sentences. I love incomplete sentences. I rely on spell-check. Heavily. Not because I can’t spell but because I’m horribly lazy.

And speaking of lazy, I don’t edit my posts very well. Or sometimes at all. I know. I’m a terrible blogger. But I own it. And I have my excuses. (And they truly are excuses.)

I’m not like many of you out there. I’m not waiting to be discovered. I’m not jonesing for a book deal. I’m just a gal, full of ideas bouncing around in her head that need to be unleashed once in a while. So, I write a post. I scan it for any glaring errors and then I hit “Publish” and walk away. Well, click away.

Imagine my amusement when I received this comment regarding my blog:

(Identifying factors have been deleted to protect the well-meaning spammer.)

“certainly like your web site however you need to test the spelling on quite a
few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling
issues and I in findingg it vedry troublesome to tell the truth however I’ll definitely come again again”

"Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam, wonderful spam." - Monty Python

“Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam, wonderful spam.” – Monty Python

Ahhh, the irony of spam comments.

I love spam.

Spamm all ways amuzes me.

 

 

9 Comments

Filed under Because It Amuses

And Now We Know The Spammers Are Feelin’ Pretty Good About Themselves

world-mental-health-day-resize

 

I get a big kick out of the spam we receive on our blogs. Especially the ones that mangle the English language. At least, worse than I do.

Weblogs. Foreign writing. Advertisements. Lower case “i” for “I.” Dropping prepositions. Adding prepositions. Embedded links every 7 words.

But today, on World Mental Health Day, I received this:

“Superior Morning, I just stopped in to visit your site and thought I’d say I liked myself.”

How appropriate!

May you all have a wonderful World Mental Health Day and may you like yourself as much as my new favorite spammer!

Have A Superior Day!

 

5 Comments

Filed under Because It Amuses, Completely Random

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Desperate for blog material, I did what any other self-respecting blogger would do.

I procrastinated.

I flitted about in Yahoo, learning about home invaders busted on Facebook, what Lady Gaga looked like at age 9 (Don’t click. Really. A waste of time.), and a gutsy woman who chases a bear from her home.

I did a little online banking. The good news? Beginning tomorrow another credit card balance will be at zero! The bad news? Bank account balances are fast approaching zero.

I goofed around on my favorite Disney message board site and learned about crowd levels between Christmas and New Years (Horrendous), next must try snack at EPCOT (Norway’s School Bread), and yet another awesome cast member story (Click here for original post.)

And I checked my email.

I found this interesting note in my inbox.

“I work with blahblahblah and we recently published an article you might be interested in.”

The title of said “article” was interesting and feeling a little lazy today, I actually entertained re-posting it.

“After following your blog for awhile now, I felt this article would be something that would interest your readers. Here’s the link…”

Hmmm. Following my blog for awhile? I’m flattered.

“Either way, your blog has been a sincere pleasure to read. Thanks for your time!”

A sincere pleasure to read. Always good to hear.

So, I scan my followers list. Nope. No Miss C. Maybe she has me bookmarked another way.

So, I click the link to the article. Yes. It’s a bona fide  article. And interesting, too.

But it is plastered on a website that is an advertisement for something completely irrelevant to my readers. In fact, every link, sidebar and highlighted clicky thingy is unrelated to the article that drew me there in the first place.

I have half a mind to republish the article, without a link back to their site, and capitalize on the free material.

But that’s against my principles.

And besides.

Look at that.

Without even realizing it, I just got a free post.

Ha!

6 Comments

Filed under Blogging

Where In The World DO They Find These Spam Writers? I Mean It. I Want To Know WHERE.

My spam cracks me up. It can even turn into a pretty entertaining blog post. I’ve written about spam so many times, I figured you were all bored with the topic by now.

But I recently received this:

“I’m a recurrent audience of one’s blogs. My partner and i liked the recent one and other content on your weblog a lot that I have subscribed to the blog’s Feed throughout Thunderbird. Even considering thieving some thoughts and place results. Retain every one of the great going by posting far more helpful content. Time well spent about this submit. Thank you.”

Nothing out of the ordinary. But it made me giggle all the same.

“Recurrent audience of one’s blogs” – Recurrent and one’s? Love it!

“Even considering thieving some thoughts and place results” – Thieving. Cool usage. And they spelled it right. (I didn’t when I first typed it here.) And what the heck is a place result?

“Retain every one of the great going” – Huh?

“By posting far more helpful content” – Hey! I thought you said you liked my blog. Now you’re criticizing the helpfulness of my content?

“Time well spent about this submit” – What’s a submit?

The sometimes firm and not so firm grasp of the English language has me stymied. Obviously, English is NOT their primary language. So, which is it? Mandarin? Portuguese? Punjabi? (Yes. This is a language. Native to about 109 million people.)

So, I lay awake at night wondering about the grammatical errors and misuse of words, trying to figure out which language in the world would have the most trouble with these English idiosyncrasies. And because I’m not a linguist, I never come to any kind of conclusion.

But that’s OK.

I was sufficiently entertained. And pondering the origin of the material was akin to counting sheep.

So, no worries.

I’m just glad I could be of some help to a far-away spammer.

“Thank you.”

You’re welcome.

9 Comments

Filed under Because I'm Curious, Blogging, Spam

How To Increase Your Comments – Jane Style

(Many of you have asked me how it is I attract so many comments. Seriously? How long have you been reading my blog? I garner about half the comments most of you do. So, before you read the below tip sheet, I have to qualify. This post is tongue-in-cheek. It truly is. I know that many of you employ some of these tips with sincerity and passion. (How do you think I came up with this tip sheet?) And I’m jealous of you. Honestly, I am. This post is merely poking fun at myself and my own lack of passion/energy/discipline at honoring the comments that do come my way. For all of you who have been slighted by me in that regard, please know I am deeply sorry and acutely aware of my inadequacies. Now, on to the post….)

How To Increase Your Comments – Jane Style

10. Write all the comments yourself. As many as you like. Until your fingers bleed.

9. Comment after everyone else’s comment. Even if all they say is, “Great post!”

8. Let the spam through. After all, the spam was nice enough to spam you in the first place.

7. Beg and plead for comments. Ask oodles and oodles of questions for your readers to respond to. Even if the questions have absolutely nothing to do with your post.

6. Pray that God and all the angels will bring more comments to your blog.

5. Scream at the lurkers and guilt them into acknowledging their presence.

4. Promise prizes for comments.

3. Become a comment whore and indiscriminately leave comments on any blog you can find. Even if all the time you can spare is to say, “Great post!”

2. Make it easy for your readers to comment. Skip log-ins, CAPTCHA codes, registration forms and the required first-born son.

And the number one way to increase your comments?

1.

Sorry. I couldn’t come up with the number one answer. Yes. I am THAT comment-challenged.

Can you help? (Hey! I just employed tip #7! See? I’m learning!)

(All “Great post!” comments will not be deleted. So if that’s all you have to say? By all means, I’ll take it!)

30 Comments

Filed under Blogging

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam. Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!

It’s that time of year again. When my spam folder is full and crackin’ me up!

“Here at (insert blog title here) we are debating the same thing!” — comment left on “How is Jane Crazy? Oh, Let Me Count the Ways”

Yep. You and about every other Jane fan out there! Now this spam was worth keeping. If only to keep me giggling.

“It is very interesting for me to read that article. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon. By the way, pretty nice design your site has, but how about changing it every few months? I mean it!” — comment on the post “Son Drops the “S” Word! Queen Mother of Dirty Words (To a 6 yr. old, That Is)”

Seriously? You find my 6-year-old tattling on his 5-year-old brother interesting? Well, you’re welcome. I’m glad I can entertain. Good luck finding more potty mouth articles on “this matter.” You’d like to “read a bit more on that blog soon?” Which blog? Here? I try to keep my blog pretty clean, thank you very much. And for the record, I like my “pretty nice design” just the way it is. No changes necessary. But thanks for your input.

“You should use a weight loss calculator.” — comment on To Flu Shot or Not To Flu Shot. That Is The Question.

Hey! Be nice!

“Ghost ride that whip!” — comment on Spotting Signs of the Ever Elusive Teenager

Ok. Whaaaaaa?

“Thank you very much my friend, you are very kind in sharing this useful information with others…. the details were such a blessing, thanks.” — comment on Punks Unite! Well, For Today, Anyway.

Anytime. Anything I can do to help my fellow punks out. And “the details were such a blessing?” Seriously? Kid, you need to get out more.

16 Comments

Filed under Blogging, funny

Money For Nothin’ And Givin’ For Free

Remember when my blog exploded because of a little Random Act of Kindness post?

Remember how I promised a post on the random comments I received?

Well, here it is.

I’m tempted to just end it here. Leave you in suspense. But what suspense? Oh, sure. I got the same crazy spam that prompted this post. Or this one, when I thought aliens were sending me spam.

Then there was the 2000 word comment. (I’m not kidding. I cut and paste it and put it into Word so it would count the words for me.)  A 2000 word, nonsensical comment. Just a string of 2000 words. Who does that? And why?

But quite honestly, most of the spam I received was of your garden variety.

Except for one.

A comment from someone who claimed to have been a sexual slave for 18 months in Morocco. She began listing her financial troubles and general woes. And then she shared that she was praying that someone might bestow upon her, some random act of kindness – in the form of a couple hundred dollars. She ended her comment with this line: “Love to Jane and everyone who agrees with her talent of giving for free.”

That comment has been gnawing at me for over a week now. Is it real? Should I have let her comment appear? Why did I feel so strongly about censoring it?

Is it real? – Who knows. We can never know. There is so much deceit and scam running rampant on our internet waves. It’s hard to tell.

Should I have let her comment appear? – No. Then why am I telling you about it now? Maybe I want to be absolved of any guilt should it have been a true cry for help. Maybe I want her to see this post so she can hear me say, there are other places to go to for the kind of help you need. And then, when I write that response, I start to feel silly. Of course it was another scam.

Why did I feel so strong about censoring it? – “Giving for free.” Handouts. The old story about giving a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. (Oh, don’t I sound like a hardened, old Republican? Shudder.)

I was a member of the Junior League in our area. No. I wasn’t one of those bored doctor’s wives, looking for a few volunteer gigs to put on my resume. I was a single mom, passionate about giving back to my community. The years I was in the league we had out-of-this-world, amazing leadership. True givers. Movers and shakers. I learned skills about organizing and getting things done that I couldn’t have learned anywhere else.

I also learned that there are tons and tons and tons of resources out there for the downtrodden. For the infirm. For the poor. And they’re not that hard to find.

The world owes me. Stick it to the man. If I can get away with it, why not? Who does it hurt?

It hurts me. Most of all, it hurts you.

There are people out there, families truly hurting. Living each day without knowing if the next day will bring food or shelter. I am much more willing to help someone who is desperately trying to eek out a living – pounding the pavement, visiting soup kitchens and United Way and free health clinics and applying for food stamps when necessary – than someone standing in front of me with their hand out saying I owe them because I should be kind. Or because I have more.

I am much more willing to help someone who is taking responsibility for their destiny than someone who wants to ride coattails.

Oh, goodness. I sound like a cold, hard, witch.

I’m not. Really.

 I’m just wondering when personal responsibility will be in vogue again.

19 Comments

Filed under Blogging, Ponderings, Soapbox

Mr. Spam? Thanks. But I’m Gainfully Employed. Just A Question. How Is It YOU Have A Job?

“I open your site and I saw you quite correctly wrote in your site and seeing your site I impressed from u site Employers say they are impressed by job candidates who have excellent communication skills, good grooming habits, and relevant work experience.”

First of all, thank you for visiting, Mr. Spam. I’m always happy to see a new tick on my visits counter.

And you noticed that I “correctly wrote in”  my site? Yes, really, it’s quite simple. I open up WordPress. Click new post and begin typing away. With fairly good grammar and impeccable spelling, thanks to the spell check feature. I even use punctuation!

U impressed? And u think employers would be impressed with me, too? Why, I’m blushing. Who knew that I might be impressing anyone? And I’m not even in the market for a job. I don’t remember filling out any online applications lately.

But you noticed that I have “excellent communication skills?” Why, thank you. I’m blushing again. I do try. It’s why I practice here, at my blog, a few days a week.

And my relevant work experience? Well, you’re right. I was a high school teacher of both literature and math for 13 years. I’ve worked in the restaurant industry – even shared ownership of a small coffee house. I’ve worked in human resources and coached swimming. And now? The job of a lifetime. I’m a stay-at-home mom and loving every single minute of it. Well, not every minute, but most minutes. And that’s what counts. Right?

Now, here’s where I’m stymied.

You’re impressed with my good grooming habits.

As I sit here in t-shirt and pj shorts, with brushed teeth and my hair up in a clip (I haven’t even washed my face yet) – you’re impressed? Are your standards low or am I really in the top of my class when it comes to grooming? I mean, I can’t see (or smell) my fellow bloggers. If they’re like me, they’re lucky to get a shower once a day or a pedicure once in a blue moon.

Or are you big brother (I have a brother-in-law who actually believes this kind of stuff) with cameras strategically placed in my home? You speak as if you know me. I will look at my heating vents or my children’s stuffed animals or knick knacks on the bookshelves in a whole new way.

And while I’m flattered with your impressions of me – and my site and my hygiene – I wonder how you were able to secure YOUR job.

Here’s a little hint. Spell check and grammar check? They’re your friends.

29 Comments

Filed under funny

Spam Sent By Aliens! News At 11!

I’ve been saving my spam lately. No, not SPAM. (Which Hormel Foods, incidentally, has requested that you not use their trademark “all caps design” to refer to email/internet spam. You have been warned!)

I’m referring to the spam comments that appear in your comment box, waiting to be approved or deleted permanently. Usually, I just delete them. Quickly. I like a clean site. I’m all tidy that way. But lately I’ve been saving them. Why, you ask? Let me show you.

“I cannot believe this will work!” – This comment was for my Adoption Triangle of Love  post. Of course “it works!” I just spent an entire post singing the praises of this wonderfully positive adoption symbol. On the other hand, maybe you’re criticizing my very personal and positive experience with adoption. And if that’s the case, put out your dukes, buddy! You’re in for the fight of your life.

“This brings me to an idea:…” – And? Yes? You were saying? I’m waiting. Please, please, please share. Because this comment was for my But Pee Is Sterile. Right? post. And from the amount of legit comments I received on that post I’m not the only one waiting for a solution to all the little errant pee-ers out there.

“An sich ne gute Sache, ich frag mich nur, ob das auch dauerhaft brauchbar bleibt.” – Frankly, I’m afraid to translate this. It was left for my The Word Parent Is Also A Verb post. I’m not very good at accepting criticisim. Constructive or in foreign languages.

“Sometimes it’s really that simple, isn’t it? I feel a little stupid for not thinking of this myself/earlier, though. – Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? I just got done complaining in my Beware The Attack Of The Joy Suckers post.  I didn’t offer any sage advice. There was no typical positive spin. It was just a rant. (Sorry if I disappointed any of you out there that day.) I was crabby. I wrote about it. I guess there’s simplicity in that. Hmmmm. Maybe I was wrong about this bit of spam.

“Good Article. I love your site, I’ll be back for your next article” – Left for my Blast From The Past post. For Wordless Wednesday. Yep, you guessed it. Just a picture of my adorable children. No article for miles.

“Hey I love the blog. I’ve been looking for more information on Cranial Salt Lake and I was wondering if you have any good tips or pointers? I’m getting ready to move and I need all the information I can get. Thanks!” – Huh? Cranial what? You thought I might be able to help you? Where is Cranial Salt Lake? You’re moving there? Sounds absolutely cerebral. Wait, is that next to Phrenic Heights? I think I know someone who lives on Analytic Ave. I heard you have to be pretty astute to live there. Or maybe you were asking The Kitchen Witch? Because this comment was left for my Trading Spaces With One Of My Neighbors post when TKW stopped in to share. Maybe I should ask her if she can help.

“Impressive site. My friends and I were just discussing this the other evening. Also your site looks nice on my old sidekick. And thats rare. Nice work.” – Found on my post Flummoxed Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe – And Neither Does Eliminate, Apparently . Interesting, that you and your friends would be discussing this very same thing. Do you know my friend? Do I know you? And what is a sidekick? But it’s rare that a site would look nice there? And mine does? Oh – flattery will get you everywhere! (I think I’m blushing!)

“imbTgW pxlldpqtudqv, [url=http://rllbdbdvbngx.com/]rllbdbdvbngx[/url], [link=http://ankluhryhgfc.com/]ankluhryhgfc[/link], http://quytvadkklea.com/” – And this was left for my Tag! You’re It! post. I can’t even decifer this comment. Is it in code? Maybe some computer nerds are fans! Do you think it might be alien? OMG. Do you think aliens are reading my blog? Wait. I have been a little jumpy lately with difficulty concentrating and increased sleep disturbances. All signs of an alien abduction! Do you think I was abducted?

I’m sorry. I’m going to have to stop here.

I think I’ve been abducted.

24 Comments

Filed under funny, Observations