Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)
But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….
Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.
I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!
“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.
“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.
“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.
Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.
They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.
How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.
How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.
How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.
I am on the warpath!
And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!