I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)

But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….

Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.

I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!

“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.

“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.

“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.

Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.

They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.

How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.

How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.

I am on the warpath!

And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!


Filed under funny

20 responses to “I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

  1. suzicate

    You are too much! So is your house the one with the big screen hat and hanging crystals?!

  2. I guess it’s official: you can find anything on the Internet. I will keep this post in mind the next time I wake up to some unexpected changes around my house. (And all this time I thought that it was my own low tidiness standards that caused my home to look this way…)

    P.S. Jane, I tried to e-mail you back yesterday afternoon, but am now worried that my messages to you are getting abducted by aliens. Did you get my message?

  3. Well if you woke up naked with your clothes on backwards, clearly something unusual had to have happened…

  4. That’s awesome. You find the niftiest things! 😀

  5. A screen hat? WTF? That is sheer genius. I think I have a cool new do-it-yourself project to work on this weekend now….

    Off to turn on the lights and grab my crystals…

  6. Whew. I was so worried about you. Did you sign up for insurance, yet? It’s the things you’re not prepared for that getcha.

  7. unabridgedgirl

    I am suddenly transported back to my Mulder and Scully days. (Yes, was a big X-File geek in high school.) I am going to have to check this website out. Also, loved this post. You are always so creative, Jane!

  8. Made of awesome. I will file away this checklist for the (inevitable?) moment when I, too, wonder if I’ve been abducted by aliens. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s already happened. It would explain so much…

  9. Whoa. The things you can find online 🙂
    Is there anything you cannot buy insurance for these days?!!! 🙂

  10. Glad to know that if I ever have any concerns about being abducted by aliens, I will know where to find the information.

    There are some days, I wonder if it would not be a bad idea. 🙂

  11. Um, I am so glad that you posted this guide. According to this guide, I was abducted by aliens last night. Yes. It would explain how my house became a disaster area. It surely could not have been my 17-month old daughter that created that mess. Nope. It must have been the aliens.

    It also explained why my clothes were on backwards.
    Now, I know.

  12. Uh-oh, I wake up with bruises all the time. Of unknown origin. I just thought I was a clutz…
    And I always lose track of time. I thought I was a space cadet….
    At least now I know the truth.
    Thank you Jane!!

  13. I love the Alien Abduction insurance! I’d better get some! LOL

  14. Pingback: Don’t Be Drinking Red Wine When the Aliens Come for You « Merrilymarylee's Weblog

  15. You’re the best blogger ever! I totally needed a light reading like this. You rock my world!

  16. Ink

    Puh-lease, can we see a picture of you in your screen hat?

  17. Jane? Have we been spending a leeeetle too much time in the closet with the wine?

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