My Neighbors Could Be Aliens. Or In Witness Protection. Either Way They’re Not From MY World.

“I think my neighbors might be aliens”

That was an honest-to-God search term that found my blog. And I could have honestly entered that search term into Google. Except the more probable search would be: “I think my neighbors might be in witness protection.”

We all seek like-minded people. I love differences. It’s what makes the world go ’round. But I prefer to be surrounded by people with similar values. I have pretty high standards, so in our neighbor’s defense, I’ve set the bar high.

They haven’t met it. Not even close.

We moved in first. A new subdivision, we were alone on our little hill for a while. Then new neighbors moved in. Please let them be nice, we prayed.

And they were. Nice. Or so it seemed. Chatty. Friendly. She asked where the bus stop was. Right in front of our house, I told her. And when school started a few weeks later, the bus stopped in front of her house. The bus driver told our daughter that was the new stop. Later, I found out she had complained that her 14 yr. old son had allergies and a torn meniscus. He couldn’t walk “all the way” over to our house.

The dad works from home. When my husband asked what he did, he was very vague. “A computer based business,” was all he said. We waited for clarification and he just stood there and smiled. She’s a stay at home mom. He works from home but he’s often outside working in the yard, running or playing basketball with his sons when they get home from school. His work days appear very short.

Just before dusk, we often see them walking down the street with a few golf clubs in hand. Sneaking onto the course at the 5th hole. Stealing course time.

And then, there was the fence. We got a puppy. We decided to fence the yard. In our neighborhood, there are designs to choose from and you have to get your neighbor to sign off  that they have no issues with your choice. Of course, our neighbors had issues. They wouldn’t sign. They showed us what they liked, because they were considering a fence, as well. At first I was annoyed. But as luck would have it, I liked their choice better. It was a little more expensive but it looked a lot nicer. We agreed. We also agreed to share the side that cut down our two properties and share the cost. We shook hands.

The company wouldn’t lay the fence until both parties signed a contract. Our neighbors stalled. We prodded. They stalled some more. Our puppy was growing. We put up with their indecision for 3 months. Finally, we had to go on without them. 

If you don’t share a side of the fence, the fence has to be laid 6 inches inside your property line.  A week after our fence was installed, they asked to hook up to ours. We said, “Sure. Sharing the cost would be xxx amount of dollars.” They said, “We’re not paying for half of that fence! It’s on YOUR property.”

We said, “Ahhhh….No.”

And then, of course, there is the dad – who has more than a healthy interest in our teenage daughter. She has always said, “He gives me the creeps.” And we’ve always pooh-poohed her perception. She is our “Little Victorian,” after all. But one day, while sitting on our back porch flipping through a magazine while the boys played in the sprinkler, he leaned over the fence. “Having fun boys?” My ears perked up. They told him, yes and he said, “Where is your sister? Doesn’t she want to get in her bathing suit and play too? Or is she too shy?” I stood up and said, “She’s not here. Can I help you?” Evidently, he couldn’t see me through the screen. He turned a few shades of red, stumbled with his words and then commented on the weather and made a hasty retreat.

They never have family visit from out-of-town. They’re vague about where they’re from and what brought them to our area.

Sneaky. Weird. Vague. Strange. Creepy.

Aliens learning a new culture, trying to assimilate and learn our values and norms? A mob snitch forced into witness protection? I have no idea.

I DO know this. They’re not from MY world.

I’m Back! And You Can Put Your Mind At Ease. I Wasn’t Abducted By Aliens.

Whew! That was close. If you read my post yesterday about spam comments you probably know that I had a bit of a scare. (What? You didn’t read that far? Then what are you doing back here today? Trust me. It’s just more of the same.)

But I found this very handy website. eHow. Have you heard of it? Ask it anything. (And apparently, I DO mean anything.) And it has the answer. So I looked up “How To Identify an Alien Abduction” and this is what I found….

Bruises on your body. Nope. Unexplained bright lights in your bedroom. Nope. Actual aliens in your bedroom. (Now wait. If I saw an actual alien in my bedroom why would I be here asking questions?) Also, nope.

I kept reading because it had a checklist. And I love lists!

“Examine your body for unidentifiable scratches or scoop marks, sometimes in the shape of a triangle. Scratches and bruises on the inner thighs are common.” – Scoop marks? What’s a scoop mark? And scratches and bruises on the inner thigh? Ok. Wait. Randy aliens? This is getting a little creepy.

“Remember if your clothing or anything else in your house is ever in disarray for no apparent reason. It is common to awaken naked, clothes on backward and windows open after an alien abduction.” – Things in my house in disarray for no apparent reason? Clothes on backward? Are you kidding me? I have children.

“Contemplate if you are unaccountable for a period of time, say, an hour or more. Missing time is common among alien abductees.” If I’m unaccountable for an hour or more? Shhhhhh. Keep quiet and don’t tell my husband or kids. I’m probably just hiding in my closet with a glass of wine and a good book.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I was NOT abducted by aliens. False alarm. Nothing to see here. Everyone go back to what you were doing. Unless, of course, you’re interested in what else I found.

Oh, I knew I could get you to read further.

They had an article on How To Prevent Alien Abductions. You are to lock your windows and doors. Sleep with the lights on. Place crystals around your room. Build a screen hat (?!?) to prevent telepathic abductions. And pray. (Honestly, they tell you to pray. To God or Allah or the spirits. I suppose at this point it doesn’t matter who you pray to.) Beyond that. There’s not that much else you can do.

How to Visit Alien Abduction Sites. Seriously? People that spend time researching alien abductions don’t know how to use Google? Oh, wait. I see. Actual places that alien abductions occurred. Like Grovetown, NH. Snowflake, AZ. Even the Brooklyn Bridge in Lower Manhattan. I thought they meant websites. Oops.

How To Get Alien Abduction Insurance. I’m not kidding. I’d never kid a kidder. A Florida company has a $10 million policy for you “to ensure your loved ones on Earth aren’t forgotten while you are out touring the galaxy.” I couldn’t make this stuff up.

How To Write Credible Alien Abduction Stories. Ok, the jig is up. I’m blowin’ the whistle on all you fake-ers out there. This article is a step-by-step recipe for creating fake alien abduction experiences designed to fool Joe and Jane Public. And I am outraged! Offended! Highly agitated! You see, I sport a Blog With Integrity badge. I cannot stand for outright lies.

I am on the warpath!

And I’m putting all you fake alien abduction writers on notice!

Spam Sent By Aliens! News At 11!

I’ve been saving my spam lately. No, not SPAM. (Which Hormel Foods, incidentally, has requested that you not use their trademark “all caps design” to refer to email/internet spam. You have been warned!)

I’m referring to the spam comments that appear in your comment box, waiting to be approved or deleted permanently. Usually, I just delete them. Quickly. I like a clean site. I’m all tidy that way. But lately I’ve been saving them. Why, you ask? Let me show you.

“I cannot believe this will work!” – This comment was for my Adoption Triangle of Love  post. Of course “it works!” I just spent an entire post singing the praises of this wonderfully positive adoption symbol. On the other hand, maybe you’re criticizing my very personal and positive experience with adoption. And if that’s the case, put out your dukes, buddy! You’re in for the fight of your life.

“This brings me to an idea:…” – And? Yes? You were saying? I’m waiting. Please, please, please share. Because this comment was for my But Pee Is Sterile. Right? post. And from the amount of legit comments I received on that post I’m not the only one waiting for a solution to all the little errant pee-ers out there.

“An sich ne gute Sache, ich frag mich nur, ob das auch dauerhaft brauchbar bleibt.” – Frankly, I’m afraid to translate this. It was left for my The Word Parent Is Also A Verb post. I’m not very good at accepting criticisim. Constructive or in foreign languages.

“Sometimes it’s really that simple, isn’t it? I feel a little stupid for not thinking of this myself/earlier, though.“ – Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me? I just got done complaining in my Beware The Attack Of The Joy Suckers post.  I didn’t offer any sage advice. There was no typical positive spin. It was just a rant. (Sorry if I disappointed any of you out there that day.) I was crabby. I wrote about it. I guess there’s simplicity in that. Hmmmm. Maybe I was wrong about this bit of spam.

“Good Article. I love your site, I’ll be back for your next article” – Left for my Blast From The Past post. For Wordless Wednesday. Yep, you guessed it. Just a picture of my adorable children. No article for miles.

“Hey I love the blog. I’ve been looking for more information on Cranial Salt Lake and I was wondering if you have any good tips or pointers? I’m getting ready to move and I need all the information I can get. Thanks!” – Huh? Cranial what? You thought I might be able to help you? Where is Cranial Salt Lake? You’re moving there? Sounds absolutely cerebral. Wait, is that next to Phrenic Heights? I think I know someone who lives on Analytic Ave. I heard you have to be pretty astute to live there. Or maybe you were asking The Kitchen Witch? Because this comment was left for my Trading Spaces With One Of My Neighbors post when TKW stopped in to share. Maybe I should ask her if she can help.

“Impressive site. My friends and I were just discussing this the other evening. Also your site looks nice on my old sidekick. And thats rare. Nice work.” – Found on my post Flummoxed Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe – And Neither Does Eliminate, Apparently . Interesting, that you and your friends would be discussing this very same thing. Do you know my friend? Do I know you? And what is a sidekick? But it’s rare that a site would look nice there? And mine does? Oh – flattery will get you everywhere! (I think I’m blushing!)

“imbTgW pxlldpqtudqv, [url=http://rllbdbdvbngx.com/]rllbdbdvbngx[/url], [link=http://ankluhryhgfc.com/]ankluhryhgfc[/link], http://quytvadkklea.com/” – And this was left for my Tag! You’re It! post. I can’t even decifer this comment. Is it in code? Maybe some computer nerds are fans! Do you think it might be alien? OMG. Do you think aliens are reading my blog? Wait. I have been a little jumpy lately with difficulty concentrating and increased sleep disturbances. All signs of an alien abduction! Do you think I was abducted?

I’m sorry. I’m going to have to stop here.

I think I’ve been abducted.

I Don’t Get It. Will Someone Please Enlighten Me?

Logging on today I found this story. Some unknown from Uruguay took three hundred dollars and made a short “film.” I loosely call it a film because frankly, it looks to me like a scene that could have been stolen from ‘War of the Worlds’ or any other such “aliens invade Earth” kind of film. He put it on YouTube and currently it has over 3 million hits. Three days after he put it up on the web his inbox was overflowing with offers from Hollywood. He “settled” for a 30 million price tag for the rights to make a feature film.

I watched it. I don’t see the appeal. I love the movies. I’ll see anything. But I’m not kidding you. This is nothing we haven’t seen before. I just don’t get it.

But hey, you judge for yourself.

(Ooooo….the math teacher in me just noticed something. $300. 3 days after it appeared he had offers. Over 3 million hits. $30 million movie deal. Spooky!)